THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON “MARVIN” (LIL’ JIMMY’S FIRST JEEP® )

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: Like we told you last week, “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column by those two old M.I.T. brainiacs Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.

Now in last Friday’s paper, Click and Clack hacked on some college kid named “James” who missed his first hooptie . . . an ‘89 Jeep ® Cherokee . . . .

CAMMIE: NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE, COOG!

We were supposed to do this column on FRIDAY!

WHERE WERE YOU ALL WEEKEND?

HYDRA: WHO YOU CALLIN’ “COOG,” MISSY!

[Hydra begins singing Paul Thorn’s “It’s a Great Day”]

It’s a bad day, so you betta’ git off ‘a my back!
You might git cold cocked
If you cross my path,
Cuz it’s a great day for me to whup my sister’s . . . .

CAMMIE: WATCH IT! WATCH IT! Speedzzter said we had to be on our best behavior because of little kids that might be reading this instead of doing their school work. Besides, I don’t want to have to keep explaining your Tourette’s Syndrome potty mouth to the preacher . . .

So answer the question! Where were you this weekend?

HYDRA: Hello, Miss Daisy! It’s the month of May! INDIANAPOLIS! The final weekend of qualifying for the FIVE HUNDRED! Bubble day! Do I have to borrow one of your crayons and draw you a picture?

CAMMIE: You’ve got to be kidding me.

I spent all weekend answering wrecker calls and wondering if you were laid out somewhere in a ditch! But MISS Demeanor here was canoodling around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway?

HYDRA: I met a three or four nice boys in the infield, but there was no “canoodling” . . . .

CAMMIE: What happened? Zipper get stuck on your leopard-print jump suit?

HYDRA: They’re gonna be putting a zipper-stitch up side your head in the emergency room . . .

CAMMIE: CALM DOWN! Can’t you take a joke? I mean, look in the mirror . . .

HYDRA: You’re just lucky I spent all night driving home from the Speedway . . . YAWN . . . or I’d give you something to look at in the mirror, Sweetie!

CAMMIE: So, why would anyone put themselves through all that for “Bump Day?”

I mean, ever since Tony George got all full of himself and thought he was one of the France Family and nearly killed Champ Car racing with his power grab, qualifying for the Indy 500 has had about as much “drama” as you at a drive-in movie with some with some greasy mullet-head in a Camaro.

HYDRA: I'll . . . YAWN . . . pretend didn’t hear that, Miss-I-Couldn’t-Get-a-Date-In-High-School.

Indy racing is obviously another one of those subjects in that big encyclopedia of stuff you don’t know anything about. . . .

CAMMIE: Well, Professor Bubble-Head, why don’t you “splain it” to us bumpkins . . .

HYDRA: Well, this year, there was more bumpin’ and qualifying “drama” on Indy bubble day than a whole season of NASCAR. Just ask Alex Tagliani, Stanton Barrett, or Buddy Lazier.

Andretti didn’t even make the show until about five minutes before the end of qualifying . . . on his last attempt!

CAMMIE: Andretti? Isn’t “Mr. Magnaflow” about SEVENTY YEARS OLD? Tony George must be scapin’ the bottom . . .

HYDRA: Not Mario! John Andretti. He looks a lot younger than you do . . .

CAMMIE: Apparently the heat and that corset has gotten to my Sister . . .

HYDRA: Just shut up and listen . . . YAWN . . . John Andretti was trying to qualify Richard Petty’s car . . .

CAMMIE: WHAT! They’re letting ‘em run Dodge Chargers in the Indy 500?

HYDRA: Of course not!

Now that Petty Enterprises is stone-cold dead and “The King” and his perfect set of teeth are apparently just figureheads at RPM, they cut a deal for RPM to be part of a real open-wheel Indy Car team, Dreyer & Reinbold Racing.

Anyhoo, Andretti folded her into the wall on the first weekend of qualifying and he was having trouble getting the 43 up to qualifying speed.

Then, at the last minute on Bubble Day, he bumped out Ryan Hunter-Reay. But Hunter-Reay came back on the final run of the day to whack out Tagliani. Mix into that a whole bunch of folks that kept pulling their cars out and requalifing them to stay off of the bump spot, and it was a crazy day at the Speedway.

CAMMIE: Well, this isn’t Sportscenter or the Speed Report, so we’d better get back to giving our second opinion on lovelorn James and his long lost Cherokee.

HYDRA: Alright, Lil’ Jimmy wrote:

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I’m having a serious case of separation anxiety from my old car. It was a 1989 Jeep ® Cherokee – a perfect first car for a 16-year-old-boy, if you asked me, as long as you ignored the fact that it had no air bags [Apparently Cammie never rode in it], working seatbelts or safety features of any kind. The car had tons of personality . . . .

CAMMIE: Do WE really need your half-awake, juvenile editorial commentary? The kid’s car was a pile but he loved it. Let’s just cut to the chase.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Okay.

Jimmy wrote, “I even gave the [Jeep ® ] a name: Marvin.”

CAMMIE: What! Marvin? Oh that’s a real take-no-prisoners, storming-the-beaches-at-Normandy, bashing-the-Rubicon kind of name! Not!

HYDRA: What is it with you and names? What should the kid have called his heap?

AH-NULD?

Matt Dillon?

Sylvester?

Spike?

Chief Leaks-a-Lot?

CAMMIE: I guess you’re right. An '89 Cherokee is kind of a milktoast Jeep®.

HYDRA: Not as wimpy as the Jeep Compass. That one would be like the Corporal Klinger-in-a-floral-print-dress of Jeeps.

CAMMIE: At least a Cherokee is sort of like a suburban soccer-man’s car. I mean it’s not a Prius or a Volkswagen Jetta.

HYDRA: Funny you should mention a Jetta, because that’s what Lil’ Jimmy’s Pa stuck him with to drive off to college.

CAMMIE: Yeah, I WAS HERE ON FRIDAY AND I READ IT IN THE FREAKIN’ PAPER!

HYDRA: Enough already. I’m sorry that you don’t know anything about any racing that doesn’t feature that overrated booze-hound, “Dale Junior.”

CAMMIE: I’m NOT one of those blind-to-mediocrity Junior fans! Now if he drove a Ford . . .

HYDRA: Well, back to Lil’ Jimmy’s QUESTION . . .

Now my problem is this: Despite my love for my new car – named Wolfgang, by the way – I find myself mentioning my old Jeep ® in conversations at least three times a week. In fact, I even have recurring dreams about the car. It has been more than a year now, and I fear I will never be able to move on. Tom and Ray, I need your help. What can I do to get over my old Car?

CAMMIE: How about dumping that wussy VeeDub and scoring a real car, like my 725-horse Shelby GT500!

HYDRA: Uh, Miss Motorhead! He’s a COLLEGE STUDENT!

He’s not going to swing a $50,000.00 Mustang on the bread he mooches off of his Daddy. And even if he could, do you really think that little green lizard or the cave men, or President Palmer or any other insurance hack would write him a policy for it?

Anyway, Click and Clack made a bunch of purported jokes about Tom’s affection for rolling junk and then said Jimmy-the-Kid should keep his memories alive, but would probably be a social outcast for jabbering on about his near-dead first SUV.

CAMMIE: That’s it?

HYDRA: You “read” it on Friday? Right?

CAMMIE: Okay, so it’s second opinion time. Let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, you’re right about how the Magliozzi’s missed it . . like you did your high school prom. They should have advised Lil’ Jimmy to make some new memories with something that approaches a real man’s car. Maybe an old Mustang 5.0, or even a real Jeep ®, like a vintage CJ5 or a Wrangler.

CAMMIE: Do Tom and Ray know anything about “real man’s cars?”

And, what kind of father would send his kid packing off to college in wimpy Wolfgang-the-Jetta?

HYDRA: The kind that apparently doesn’t want any grandchildren.

The next thing the kid will be doing is watching “Bravo,” and “Lifetime,” and “HGTV” all day. . . and going to Star Trek conventions or playing role-playing games . . Then he’ll be reading People Magazine and following Perez Hilton on Twitter . . . And before you know it, he’ll probably be buying a one-way ticket to San Francisco . . . . Goodby grandkids!

All because his Old Man didn’t love him enough to buy him a MAN’S CAR for college . . . .

CAMMIE: Yup. A Jetta would be a four-wheeled female repellant alright.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Even the “Wolfsburg Edition . . . .”

CAMMIE: Oh well, that’s different. He’s probably covered up in steaming, fecund co-eds. Yeah, it’d be like a ZZTOP video . . . .

HYDRA: ARE YOU CRAZY!

CAMMIE: It’s called SARCASM, Hon . . . kind of like when all those wasted losers on parole you meet tell you how “smokin’ hot” you are . . . .

HYDRA: I may be barely awake, but I still could “parole” you home for a month on medical leave . . . .

CAMMIE: R-I-G-H-T. You and that pancake of eye shadow can barely keep your puffy, old, bloodshot eyes open.

So, let’s wrap this up so you can finally get to work.

Jimmy, it’s okay to think about your “first love.” Study hard, make lots of money, and you can track down another Cherokee some day.

I mean Barrett-Jackson has made millions selling imagined copies of long-lost “first cars” to baggy, old Viagra(r) addicts.

When you’re old, somebody will hawk you a pristine Cherokee . . . .

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Hey now, you meet a lot of nice, distinguished, rich gentlemen out at Barrett-Jackson. . . Whoa . . . YAWN. . . YAWN . . . Guys that know . . . YAWN . . . how to . . . treat a . . . lady . . . . Although you wouldn’t know . . . anything about that, would you, Miss . . . Miss . . . Miss-Sarah-Plain-And-Tall?

YAWN.

CAMMIE: Whatever, Sleepyhead.

But Jimmy-Boy, just like my sister, you can’t live in the past. Sure, I know a bunch of old sots with twenty-something trophy wives and Corvettes who do, but you’re young and you need to be making some new memories.

You’ve got to dump “Wolfgang” Jetta and get something that’s hot enough to make you forget about “Marvelous” Marvin-the-Cherokee.

A saucy little sports number or a pavement-shredding supercar should make that old broken-down old Jeep ® look like the zit-faced hag you wouldn’t have touched in high school.

I know it’s tough on a college-student’s budget, but a few rips down a drag strip or open track in a real car will do wonders to make you forget your decrepit “first love.”

Trust me. I know.

HYDRA: Zzzzzzzz.

CAMMIE: Oh great. Hydra’s zonked out and I’m stuck running the wrecker another day. Well that really bursts my bubble!

Until next time, for the Lifter Sisterz, keep your slicks a spinnin.’

HYDRA: Zzzzzzz.

THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON GRANNY’S PRIUS

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: It’s no secret that “Truth With Speedzzter” is no big fan of National Public Radio’s Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers. That’s part of the reason “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column.

CAMMIE: And your first big question is “Who in the Henry H. Ford are the Lifter Sisterz?”

HYDRA: Actually, I expected their first questions to be “Is a smokin’ hottie like me free on Saturday night?” And “Why is Cammie’s butt so big?”

CAMMIE: Ooooh, Girl! You’re one to talk . . .

HYDRA: Now I don’t want to have to go all Lindsay and Samantha on your ugly face, so let’s just get down to business . . . .

CAMMIE: Yeah, another wrecker call might come in before we get the question answered . . . .

HYDRA: Today’s question to “Click and Clack” came from some “proud grandma” named Barbara . . .

CAMMIE: What kind of wack whitebread name is “Barbara?” Now I've got some horrible Streisand show tune in my head.

HYDRA: Are you off your A.D.D. meds? Just shut up and pay attention! Anyhoo, Granny Barbara has a 2006 Toyota Prius . . .

CAMMIE: Now there’s ya first problem! She ought to dump that wussy whip and score a real car like my 725 h.p. Shelby GT500 Super Snake! Then maybe her grandkids wouldn’t have to ride around with those grocery bags over their heads . . .

HYDRA: Come on now! She’s a granny! You know, support hose . . . a big honkin’ industrial-grade girdle like yours . . . blue hair. Anything hotter than about 90 horses and she’d probably stroke out on us. A Prius driver's not exactly "The Little Old Lady From Pasadena" . . .

CAMMIE: I don’t wear no girdle, Miss Silicone . . .

HYDRA: Aw, you beggin’ for another manicure with my torque wrench, Hon! Anyway, here’s her complaint:

[NOTE FROM HYDRA AND CAMMIE’S LAWYERS: The following quotation appears pursuant to the “fair use” doctrine of U.S. Copyright law. Besides, the so-called Lifter Sisterz can’t even pay our bill, so unless you want to end up with: (a) a pair of dilapidated mobile homes parked in some smelly swamp, (b) a beat-to-death “factory stock” race car, (c) a huge collection of Dolly Parton-style wigs, (d) a lifetime supply of “pleather” jumpsuits, (e) a tow truck that makes “Mater” look like a show-stopper, and (f) the worst collection of cheap, mostly-broken mechanics tools this side of a Mississippi pawn shop, DON’T BOTHER SUING THEM! And yes, Cammie's so upside down on what's left of the GT500 that she'll be paying on it in 2030]

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I am a proud grandma and a disappointed and angry owner of a 2006 Toyota Prius. The proud Grandma part is this: My precious grandchildren made me some small clay decorations, which I proudly displayed on my dashboard – a 2-inch clay flower and 1-inch clay ball sat against the multifunction screen. After a few weeks, the screen stopped working. I brought the car in to the Toyota dealer, who said that the small clay objects had “burned an image into the screen,” causing it to stop working. The whole multifunction device/screen would need to be removed and sent out for repairs, which would cost me between $850 and $4,300! Nowhere does the owner’s manual warn that such a thing could happen. The rationale sounds outrageous, as does the price. So what do you experts think? I sure would appreciate your opinions and advice. Thanks! – Barbara

CAMMIE: Tom and Ray are “experts?” Who knew?

HYDRA: Sure, they’d be magna cum laude Ph.Ds on wimp cars like a Prius. But you don’t ever see’em fielding any tough questions on real rods, like Vipers, Cobras, GTOs, Deuce Coupes . . . .

CAMMIE: Alright, so Click and Clack told Babs a couple of jokes, said the Toyota dealer couldn’t do a proper estimate without ripping out all that computer screen crap, suggested that Granny go beggin’ for a freebee on Toyota’s whiners-n-crybabies hotline ((800) 331-4331), and then suggested that another computer screen rig could be scored at the JY.

HYDRA: That’s it?

CAMMIE: Yeah.

HYDRA: And they got a national radio gig and the uncritical adulation of millions of import-loving, limp-wristed “appliance motorists” for advice like that?

CAMMIE: I reckon so.

HYDRA: What a country!

CAMMIE: Alright, so we’ve got to pump out a “second opinion” and we can waste bandwidth just a good as Oprah and Dr. Laura, so let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, the first thing that strikes me is – Why did Granny Babs stick a bunch of cheesy art projects on that flimsy Prius computer screen in the first place?

CAMMIE: Yeah! A couple of hunks of clay flying around that Japanese Jetson Jalopy in the event of a crash . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, if Granny Babs had piled’er up while she was hauling her “precious grandchildren” for another gut-busting day ‘o fun at Chuck E. Cheese’s, those young artist mopes might have been pickin’ shards of clay flower and clay ball out of their mugs.

CAMMIE: Of course the grocery bags would probably protect their faces, but clay projectiles flying around even in a wimpmobile like a Prius is bad news in a crash or evasive maneuver.

HYDRA: Evasive maneuver? In a PRIUS! What kind of cut could you make on those factory doughnuts? And at OUGHT POINT THREE Gs, the projectiles flying around in most Priuses would be the contents of the wussy driver’s stomach!

CAMMIE: Okay, so maybe the danger’s a tad hypothetical. Still it’s an obviously DUMB idea to “decorate” the dash with clay figurines.

HYDRA: Yeah, it’s almost as dumb as that Monte Carlo SS that pulled into the shop with a picture of the Virgin Mary PASTED OVER THE TACHOMETER!

CAMMIE: Of course the driver probably thought "what do you need this 'funny clock' for?"

HYDRA: I guess she was depending upon a Divine rev limter . . . not that you’d need much of one with a wheezing 305 Chevy small block . . . .

CAMMIE: I could just hear the confession now . . . “BlessmefatherforIhavesinned . . . I just sent three rods through the side of the block during a street race because I HAD A PICTURE OF THE FREAKIN’ MOTHER ‘O GOD COVERIN’ UP MY TACHOMETER! . . . and I’m going to have to take a pass on Church bingo for a few weeks while I save up for a new short-block. . . .”

HYDRA: Is the clay figurines thing dumber than the goofs who heat up their nitrous oxide bottles with a torch on “Pinks?”

CAMMIE: Nah. Splittin’ open a 1000 p.s.i. nitrous bottle will kill you dead. Your “precious grandson’s” clay ball hitting you in the head at 5-10 m.p.h. would probably only put out an eye or something.

HYDRA: You could get an eye patch to match your blue hair. Of course there’s another danger that Granny Babs probably didn’t think of either . . . RADON!

CAMMIE: Yeah, that clay was probably foggin’ it out big time.

HYDRA: Alright, do you think that Toyota should have warned Granny Babs about the hazards of using the multifunction computer thingie for an art project shelf?

CAMMIE: You gotta be kidding me! I mean does Oprah have to warn you not to shack up with some shiftless ex-con meth-head? Some ideas are just OBVIOUSLY DUMB.

HYDRA: You mean like putting Michael Waltrip in a race car?

CAMMIE: Even more obvious than that! Like not walking up to Goldberg on "Bullrun" and smacking him in the kisser . . . .

HYDRA: So should Toyota shoot her a freebee fix just to shut her up? I mean isn’t the “customer always right?”

CAMMIE: NO WAY! Toyota probably ought to buy her car back because she obviously doesn’t have enough sense to own or operate a complex piece of machinery. What about the price of the fix . . . $4,300 is serious coin . . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, that’d really cut into all those fuel savings . . . and wait until Granny’s got to buy a battery for that miracle Tokyo golf cart. That’ll dent the mah jong fund. But she’s probably some “planet saving” zealot, so $4,300 really isn’t that much to pay for all those smug looks she’s undoubtedly firing out at folks flying past her in REAL cars. If you want to play, you’ve got to pay.

CAMMIE: But does she have to fix it? Sure, it controls the heater and AC, the audio, and the nav systems, but do you really need all those “planet killing” luxuries? And it’s not as if she was really using it, considering she had it covered up with all those malformed hunks of clay.

HYDRA: And who’d spend $4,300 just to listen to NPR? Not me!

CAMMIE: She probably never even let the “precious grandchildren” listen to some of that crap that kids nowadays call music. I can just about guarantee you she never tuned into Limbaugh or Motor Racing Network. So why fix it? You could probably just rig the heater and AC with a few toggle switches and some jimmy clips, and save yourself about $4,295.

HYDRA: Who needs nav anyhow. Those “precious grandchildren” need to be learning how to read maps.

CAMMIE: Do really think she could find another computer screen at the JY?

HYDRA: Not any I’ve seen. Of course, if I ever saw a Prius in a JY, I’d head for a monster truck. I’d bet one of them little sushi sleds would spark big time when you squished it.

CAMMIE: So, bottom line: If you really love your grandkids, get rid of that embarrassing Prius and buy something with a little hair on it. Something that the kids will get off on blasting around in. Then maybe they won’t waste all their time making useless clay art and will get to wrenching on some rods and race cars.

HYDRA: But if you just have to keep that Prius, quit whining. Save up those Social Security checks and patch it up the best you can. And don’t put any more useless “art” around any of the fragile bits. Safety first!

CAMMIE: And if the "precious grandchildren" just have to mess around with clay, then put them to work detailing your whip with a clay bar.

COULD “CLICK AND CLACK” (tm) BE PARTLY RIGHT ABOUT THE SHELBY GT500KR?

[GET THE LATEST "TRUTH WITH SPEEDZZTER" HERE]

Tom and Ray Magliozzi – NPR’s “Click and Clack (tm), the Tappet Brothers (tm) -- absolutely HATE the new 550 horsepower Shelby GT500KR.

They say that anyone who’d buy one is a “whacko.” They claim that Ford and Shelby’s most recent collaboration is “Absolutely ridiculous and stupid.”

As "Truth With Speedzzter" has previously pointed out, Click and Clack (tm) are paternalistic, pencil-necked poltroons who seemingly can't stand automotive liberty or apparently ANYTHING that smacks of "E-V-I-L" high performance!

BUT, could they be partly right?

A post on Autoblog entitled “Ford Mustang GT500KR priced at $79,995" douses a gas-guzzler-sized load of fuel on that debate.

Ford will be producing 1,000 GT500KR Mustangs this year, with another 700 in 2009, so FoMoCo is pricing the ultimate 'Stang accordingly. For $79,995 (including destination and gas-guzzler tax), you get everything included in the "standard" GT500, plus Ford Racing's Power Upgrade Package. . . .

Roughly $40,000 more for 40 horsepower and a few styling parts?

KR must now stand for "King of the Ripoffs!"

Apparently Ford (R) and Shelby (R)couldn't stand by and let the Ford Dealers alone rip off the customers.

Too bad FoMoCo can't build a cheap V8 performance car anymore.

For $80,000.00, customers should at least get:

1. An EcoBoost (tm) (or EcoBoost "twincharged" DOHC V8 [NOT A V6 or an I4! A glorious DOHC VEE-EIGHT!];

2. An EBS-style direct ethanol injection system;

3. A John Coletti "SuperCooler" intercooler(More on the "SuperCooler");

4. Variable cam lift and phasing on the intake and exhaust cams;

5. A variable geometry intake manifold (not that lousy, “no-runner length” power-loser that's stock on the GT500 and which costs 70+ horsepower at certain engine speeds due to an obvious lack of inertia “ram” tuning);

6. Cylinder deactivation (a/k/a "Displacement on Demand" (tm) or "Active Fuel Management (tm);" and

7. Probably even a 50+kw parallel hybrid electric "booster" motor!

Now that would truly be an “ultimate ‘Stang!”

Moreover, it would help establish the sort of technological leadership that Speedzzter’s been advocating for FoMoCo to show in the EcoBoost era.

Too bad FoMoCo's just "phoning it in" these days.

And too bad the Shelby brand is once more associated with an overpriced gouge-mobile.

And at that price, "Click and Clack" (tm) apparently don't have to fear too many "whacko" Shelby GT500KRs will be sharing the highways with the their rabid "CAR TALK" & Consumer Reports (tm) fans driving psychedelic VW microbuses, three-popper GEO Metros, "greener-than-thou" Toyota Prius[es], "phonebooths-on-wheels" Smart ForTwos or other staid, imported, low-performance motoring appliances preferred by the "sensible" paternalistic set.

[Note: the trademarks herein are the property of their various owners and are used here solely for commentary purposes under the "Fair Use Doctrine" of U.S. Copyright law.]

Copyright 2008 Truth With Speedzzter. All Rights Reserved.

"WHACKOS" CLICK AND CLACK’S (tm) EARTH DAY PROPAGANDA SHOW

[GET THE LATEST TRUTH WITH SPEEDZZTER HERE]

On Earth Day 2008 (April 22), public broadcasting’s token mechanics Tom and Ray Magliozzi were at it again. They were wailing once more on “500-horsepower, gas-guzzling road machines that even a couple of car nuts like Tom and Ray find excessive . . . .”


(As if ordinary “car nuts” without a huge national media following and the corresponding massive bank account could actually hope to run the daunting gauntlet of ridiculous dealer greed and paltry supplies artificially limited by draconian Corporate Average Fuel Economy regulations to obtain a 500 h.p. Shelby GT500 or 540 h.p. Shelby GT500KR)

Speedzzter has previously ventilated the well-documented horsepower phobia of the Magliozzis, to much comment from Tom and Ray’s dogmatic disciples. (See the side bar "Click, Clack and the 500 Horsepower Ford" in the "Best of Speedzzter")

The "vehicle" this time for the left-wing-nut preaching of Boston’s Tappet Brothers was a Public Broadcasting Service program entitled “NOVA: Car of the Future.”

PBS then followed up the Magliozzi’s broadside on automotive freedom with an Earth Day reprise of why the Administrations of both Bushes and Bill Clinton “failed” to cede American sovereignty and consumer freedom by adopting the radical, hysterical international global warming agenda.

Wow! A double-header of Greeniac propaganda from the taxpayer-subsidized PBS. It was almost enough to drive an auto enthusiast back to the Brian France fiasco of the COT “NASCAR” for some relief (It was that bad).

Of course Tom and Ray’s “slapstick” opening act in the Earth Day propaganda fest deserves a bit more scrutiny.

NOVA’s send-up gimmick is described on at PBS.com as follows: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/car/about.html

Tom Magliozzi has a problem. The wacky [is that a synonym in this context for insane?] cohost of NPR's Car Talk needs to replace his beloved 1952 MG roadster. [That fact reveals much about Tom’s aversion to high performance automobiles. A T-Series MG is little more than a primitive ox cart powered by a wheezing tractor engine. ] But in today's car market, where should he turn? Is new technology about to transform the way we drive? Tom and his brother Ray hit the road in this program for a lighthearted but shrewd take on America's four-wheeled future.

What followed were occasional shards of interesting information on the sorts of emerging technological developments that gearheads already tend to follow punctuated by the juvenile clowning of the Magliozzis.

The “take” for true automobile enthusiasts wasn’t as much “shrewd" as it was predictably depressing.

Save a lengthy and virtually breathless “commercial” for the uber-expensive, overhyped Tesla electric “sports car,” virtually none of the “cars of the future” looked to have any appeal to those who take their motoring seriously. And the Magliozzis did their best to blast any hopes about high-octane ethanol or other alternative high performance fuels.

[Among Click and Clack's lamest gags was bringing in two ears of corn into an ethanol research lab for "conversion."]

But they saved their most sanctimonious sarcasm for high performance cars and the people who love them

RAY MAGLIOZZI: How many horsepower is this thing, guys? You must know, right?
CAR SHOW ATTENDEE: What is this, 5...?
CAR SHOW SALESPERSON: Yeah, 500.
RAY MAGLIOZZI: A mere 500.
TOM MAGLIOZZI: Looks like my MG.
RAY MAGLIOZZI: Yeah, right!
TOM MAGLIOZZI: Not the MG engine, the whole MG!
RAY MAGLIOZZI: This is an absurd amount of horsepower to have in anything, I would think.
TOM MAGLIOZZI: Ridiculous.
RAY MAGLIOZZI: But...
TOM MAGLIOZZI: Absolutely ridiculous and stupid.
RAY MAGLIOZZI: But people want to buy them...
TOM MAGLIOZZI: They're whackos! [sic]
* * *
JOSEPH B. WHITE (Wall Street Journal): If you look anywhere in the world, not just the United States, you look anywhere in the world, people will buy the most horsepower they can afford. There's something kind of primal and elemental about having a powerful machine at your beck and call and at your command. The car companies know this; they're selling emotion. If we just needed an appliance to get from A to B, we'd all be driving around in Toyota Corollas.

[DREAM ON, JOE! Some of us would rather WALK than putt around in a flaccid handling, weak-sister "box" like a Japanese Corolla]

And just in case the “above average” “P-BS” viewers missed this opening salvo against automotive freedom-of-choice, the Tappet Brothers went back for more against a cornered Beth Lowery, General Motors, Vice President, Environment and Energy at the North American International Auto Show in Detroit:

[JOHN LITHGOW (in somber tones befitting a catastrophic disaster of epic proportions (James Earl Jones must not have been available)) ]: G.M. hopes to start producing the Volt by the end of the decade, but today it stands alone in a sea of beefy trucks and high-powered road machines. Will cars like the Volt ever replace them? Tom and Ray aren't so sure.
RAY MAGLIOZZI: It's right next to the Ford Mustang with 550 horsepower.

BETH LOWERY: Yes. And the Camaro convertible. Isn't that great?
RAY MAGLIOZZI: Yeah.
BETH LOWERY: America is all about choice. If you want a Camaro, buy a Camaro.
RAY MAGLIOZZI: But if we're about hugging trees...

[NOTICE HOW NEITHER TOM NOR RAY AGREE THAT FREEDOM OF CHOICE IS A FUNDAMENTAL AMERICAN VALUE. Of course, "freedom" is not consistent with the "big brother" environmentalist agendas of P-BS and the Magliozzis]

TOM MAGLIOZZI: With 500 horsepower? Who the [^&*&] needs 500 horsepower?
BETH LOWERY: Obviously not you.

[YES! YES! Beth obviously could tell that a couple of tired, old geezers such as Tom and Ray probably could not HANDLE a REAL CAR! Of course, neither Tom nor Ray actually test drove or even rode in any 500 horsepower vehicles during this NOVA episode. Nor did they engage in a meaningful conversation with any of the millions of hot rodders and motoring enthusiasts who own or desire such potent street machines. Nope, they were content to assume that everyone who is not "absolutely ridiculous and stupid" would agree with them. Don't Northeastern we-know-better-than-you-"whackos" liberals have such open minds?]

TOM MAGLIOZZI: Why do you make such [$&*%]? I mean it's ridiculous!

[ONE COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT THE MAGLIOZZI'S INSIPID RADIO PROGRAM AND THEIR BANAL NEWSPAPER COLUMN]

BETH LOWERY: You mean these popular vehicles that are on the floor?

TOM MAGLIOZZI: Yeah, these popular vehicles. Five hundred horsepower...jeez!

PBS’s solution, of course, is the heavy hand of government.

[

LITHGOW]: But is there too much at stake to be left in the hands of carmakers and consumers?

DAVID GREENE (a professional, taxpayer-funded gloom-and-doomer from Oak Ridge National Laboratory): We're not able to rely on individual decisions in the marketplace to solve the problem of climate change, to solve the problem of oil-dependence. It takes collective action. It takes government action.

[Green elaborated further in a chilling side-bar posted at the “P-BS” website:]

[W]e have to shoot for a goal of perhaps 100 percent improvement in efficiency by 2025 or 2030. We can't just make a certain improvement and rest on our laurels. We have to keep going.
* * * *
[W]e know fuel-economy standards can work. [Apparently ignoring that evading CAFE has been perhaps the single largest factor in the market shift to trucks and SUVs] And we know that we have the technology to increase fuel economy by 50 percent over the next 10 or 12 years, and maybe with technological advances, 100 percent over a 20-year period. But the price of dealing with climate change, dealing with our oil security problem, may be giving up the horsepower race and the size race in vehicles.

In other words, welcome back to the fun days of the 1970s again, brought to you by the incessant meddling of the U.S. government.

All of the “P-BS” from arrogant demagogs like Click and Clack (tm) and their power-grabbing bureaucrat cohorts simply ignores the fact that “horsepower” really isn’t the problem. It’s a knee-jerk boggy-man.

The “problem,” to the extent that one exists is more complex than that.

The most enthusiastic “whackos” use the full capacity of their “500 horsepower” vehicles a minuscule percentage of the time. And even if one completely subscribes to the whole “faith” of anthropogenic global warming, private transportation is but a fraction of the “cause.”

Sensible engineering and market choice could permit the simultaneous development of fuel saving technology and expanded fuel supplies and options along with preserving our freedom to choose high performance vehicles.

For example, a hybrid-electric “Eco-Boost” Shelby GT500 with a full contingent of gasoline saving technology (light body materials, cylinder deactivation, variable tuned intake manifold, variable cam timing, E-85 fuel etc.) could generally preserve that 3-4 percent of the time when high performance is desired (or needed) with a dramatic improvement in off-boost fuel economy.

But as long as know-it-alls like Click and Clack (tm) demonize high performance vehicles, their drivers and the companies who offer them, such useful and practical compromises become more improbable.

Of course that's what a couple of old aging hippies who pander to the freedom-hating "automobiles-as-appliances" crowd really wants. They apparently hate "muscle cars" and the idea that anyone would ever be free to purchase one. They want to use the power of the public opinion to demonize and demean anyone who would choose such vehicles (Of course neglecting similar defamation against private aviation, power boating and other forms of transportation or scores of other consumptive actions that are popular among liberals) They envision a centrally-controlled, hyper-regulated world such as the one "Truth With Speedzzter" has previously described.

Automobile enthusiasts, gearheads, hot rodders, "tuners," restorers and sports car lovers all must stand together against the anti-freedom "jawbowning" of liberal plants such as Tom and Ray Magliozzi. These goofs are not true automobile enthusiasts and they do not have our best interests at heart.

We must demand our political leaders respect our automotive freedom-of-choice.

We must fight against losing our right and the opportunity to purchase high performance vehicles, including "absurd . . . Absolutely ridiculous and stupid" vehicles with 500 or more horsepower.

We must encourage the OEMs to not repeat the same mistakes as they did at the end of the First Supercar Era.

We must reject the radical power-grab that is the internationalist "anthropogenic global warming" movement and support the reasonable, moderate voices of market-based choice and personal freedom.

We must fight laws at the local and state level which raise unreasonable barriers to grassroots motorsports and high performance (Joining the SEMA Action Network is a crucial first step).

We must fight together for our rights or we will all hang separately (metaphorically speaking).

The "absurd . . . Absolutely ridiculous and stupid" "Whackos" are not the consumers who choose to exercise their automotive freedom in ways "Click and Clack" (tm) and their rock-headed ilk are incapable of understanding. The anti-American "whackos" are those who would conspire to deprive us of our liberty under the pretext of "saving the planet."