WHERE IS SPEEDZZTER? REQUIEM FOR A FOMOCO BLOGGER

By Cammie of the Lifter Sisterz

Some of you may be expecting to see another commentary on Ford Motor Company by Speedzzter in this space.

So was I.

Yet weeks went by without anything new from Speedzzter. Even Speedy’s occasional gig over at Bangshift.com has fallen silent.

I wondered why. So in a few moments when I wasn’t covering for or trying to find my goldbricking sister, I decided to look into Speedzzter’s mysterious disappearance.

I ended up with Speedy “pitching me the keys” (so to speak) to this site. I watched Speedy’s V8 Mercury roar off into the West. The last thing Speedy mumbled was something about writing a proper sequel to “Two-Lane Blacktop.”

I don’t really know why Speedy quit. Maybe Speedy realized the meaninglessness of vanity blogging. Maybe Speedy realized that Ford’s “Glass House Gang” could care less about what old V8/RWD-loving hot rodders wanted. Most likely, Speedy just gave up on the future.

So how did it all begin?

Best I can tell, Speedy started musing on the internet about automotive topics on Car Craft’s massive “So were not rich but we arent stupid” [sic] message board thread. That thread was mostly about “politically incorrect” grassroots turbocharging of big V8 engines.

In actually, Speedy was one of several “personas” written by the same person on the CC Board. Speedy once explained all of this to CC’s head honcho Douglas Glad a couple of years ago:

[David] Freiburger triggered "our" "turbo-project-in-CC" campaign when he quipped in his first editorial as CC's Editor-in-Chief that "turbos were for diesels." I read that closed-minded slam in the mid 1990s as [a] cash-strapped . . . student who couldn't even afford a set of spark plugs, much less the V8 turbo project I'd been studying, engineering, and planning since high school.
When the CC forum started in 2003, . . . I still didn't have the time, place, or financial resources to build that V8 turbo.

Writing on the forum became a way to escape . . . stress, drudgery, and disappointment . . . . At times, it was a Walter Mitty-esqe exercise in "playing" a hot rod journalist.

At some point, various on-line "personas" developed to add divergent voices and perspectives . . . to spice up the discussions and potentially make them more entertaining (and to make bumping the "were not rich" thread less repetitive):

--Turbo Ted -- the sarcastic humorist with a reserve of technical knowledge about turbocharging;

--MrFoMoCo -- the old-fashioned brand advocate (based on growing up in the 1960s brand rivalries and my . . . experience as a . . . parts counterman/tire salesman)

--Chevysxz -- a failed experiment with urbanized hip-hop-based dialogue and extreme anti-Chevy partisanship based in imaginary street racer trash talk.

--Speedzzter -- the voice of legislative concerns and warning of the impending end of the Second Supercar Era (based on the horrible, pretentious "Truth With Speedzzter" blog).

I came to enjoy writing some of these characters as much as many novelists enjoy writing various "voices" in works of fiction. When I'd sit down to post, I often wondered which character might best voice a thought I'd had. . . .

Perhaps this has all been nothing more than "talking to . . . [my]self" in a series of vanity posts, but I suspect that many other readers have been entertained and, perhaps, even informed by these characters. After all, the "Were not rich" thread has more than 50,000 hits (and they couldn't all be from my IP address).

And after all these years, I still haven't gotten that turbo big block project much past the design phase. Too few resources, too little time.

A Google search shows that Speedy was also a sometimes prolific commentator on other blogs and news sites. Mostly, Speedy’s comments were about politics, religion or automobiles. That’s a much broader range of interests than I expected to find. In fact, the earliest posts on this blog from 2005 are about confirmation of a U.S. Supreme Court justice (a subject Speedy’s been surprisingly silent about this time around).

But Speedy’s wheelhouse during the past five years was mostly occupied by commentary on Ford Motor Company. It is obvious that Speedy loved FoMoCo. But Speedy didn’t shrink from criticizing Ford’s mistakes (see sidebar). Speedy blogged with the naive and pretentious hope that Ford would learn something from its storied past. Speedy was an unabashed advocate of motorsports, rear wheel drive and V8 power.

In a world where more than half of American consumers buy imports and believe that Corporate Average Fuel Economy standards should be raised to more than 50 miles per gallon, Speedy was clearly an anachronism.

Speedy was a nostalgic throwback to a distant era of American industrial hegemony – a time when ordinary blue-collar workers could realistically expect to move up into the middle class and to buy on credit powerful V8 Fords with supercar acceleration . . . a time when average Americans fixed their own cars in their driveways and even bolted on speed equipment . . . a time when people actually cared who won the Indianapolis 500 . . . a time when there was some “stock” left in “stock cars” . . . a time when “real men” shifted manual transmissions and even wore neckties. And it was a time when Ford’s “Total Performance” factory racing program dominated everything it touched.

That America is apparently dead.

Next year, the only V8 Ford car left will be Mustang. And with 35+ M.P.G. C.A.F.E. on the near horizon, the Coyote may be an endangered species.

Next year, Ford will offer no RWD sedans or traditional full-framed passenger cars.

There will be no manual transmissions in Ford’s 2011 Super Duty. And Ford’s lone V8-strength manual transmission is reportedly assembled in Communist China.

New Fords are increasingly “tamper resistant.” and working on them is mostly beyond the skill set of weekend home mechanics.

Ford cannot seem to buy a win in the non-stock, common-template abortion that NASCAR has become. Ford continues its lengthy absence from Formula One and Indianapolis. Before too long, the Glass House Greeniacs and bean counters will likely plunge Ford back into the post November 1970 “dark ages” of factory motorsports abandonment.

And now the gigabite-wasting, text-messaging, Twittering, know-it-all “Autoblog experts” say that Mercury must go the way of Pontiac, Oldsmobile and Plymouth.

It’s not that Speedy left FoMoCo. FoMoCo (and America) left Speedy.

And now it seems that after 489 posts Speedy’s left blogging.

I’m not sure what Hydra and I are going to do with this blog. Well, actually I’m sure that Hydra probably won’t do much of anything. But I suppose there probably still some bandwidth out there for commentary on Ford and the declining state of America’s automotive liberty.

Godspeed, Speedzzter.

THE LIFTER SISTERZ DO SEMA

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: Some of you may remember us . . . Speedzzter used to ask us to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column by those two old M.I.T. brainiacs Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers . . . .

CAMMIE: Yeah, until you blew that sweet gig with your little vacation in the Indianapolis houscow . . .

HYDRA: Sweet gig? Speedzzter didn’t give us jack for all our brilliant insights! And I thought you weren’t going to bring up Indy again, Miss Wallflower! I’ve paid my debts to society. It’s time to move on.

CAMMIE: You mean like you’ve moved on with that orange pleather jumpsuit?

HYDRA: Well this cute young jailer at Indy said that orange compliments my color palate . . . .

CAMMIE: So would a costume from Circus Circus . . . . We’ve got to hurry this thing up . . . they’re charging us $25 an hour to use this computer.

HYDRA: Well, if you hadn’t left the laptop computer back home in the wrecker . . .

CAMMIE: I didn’t think there would be any place to use it at SEMA and I didn’t want some street hustler to steal it

HYDRA: Too bad you didn’t know about the free WI-FI at SEMA. How did you think all the journalists and bloggers put their stories out on the web? Pony Express? Carrier pigeon?

CAMMIE: Well Miss Rue de la Paix, too bad YOU didn’t know that the Luxor wasn’t on the monorail and we’ve spent about an hour a day getting to the Convention Center . . . not including all of your side trips for shopping.

HYDRA: I’m about spend an hour-a-day giving you a little Bugsy Siegel-style facial . . .

CAMMIE: Don’t get your Fredricks-of-Hollywood skivvies in a bunch. Besides, hobbling around on those four-inch spike heels, you’d never catch me . . . .

HYDRA: Well who knew you had to walk so much at the SEMA Show. . . and just getting to SEMA?

CAMMIE: I guess two million square feet of convention space, 10,000 booths, and all those maps showing where the monorail runs weren’t enough fair warning to leave the Manolo Blahniks at home . . . and then you had to buy some more ridiculously impractical shoes over at the Bellagio . . . .

HYDRA: I needed them for the RPM 09 Industry VIP party at The Bank nightclub Wednesday . . . it was the Premier SEMA Week event. Some of us just can’t sit around in our hotel rooms all night, Miss I-Read-A-Book-in-Vegas . . . .

CAMMIE: Well, I picked up lots of interesting product literature at the SEMA Show. And I’m just shocked with how grimy most things are in Vega$ . . . and how expensive everything is . . . I mean what’s a “resort fee” . . . and $60 for a three day monorail pass . . . or $90 a day for a rental car. . .or how you’ve got to tip everybody from the order taker at Fatburger on up.

Besides, I’ve been kinda low on funds ever since I took that cab ride out to Shelby Automobiles to tour where they built my 725-horse Shelby GT500.

HYDRA: You just have to work that Shelby into every column, don’t you?

CAMMIE: So? Time’s a wasting!

We – Hydra and Cammie, the Fabulous Lifter Sisters – are apparently filling in for Speedzzter today at the 2009 SEMA Show.

You DID clear this with Speedzzter, right?

HYDRA: My motto is “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.” Besides, Speedy was nearly comatose, muttering about taking 600 out-of-focus photos and babbling about losing 300 New Products Showcase scans . . . I told Speedy not to buy that ridiculous wide-angle lens from that dude on the Las Vegas Strip.

CAMMIE: WAIT! SO SPEEDZZTER DOESN’T KNOW WE’RE DOING THIS? This is going to work out about like when you talked me into sneaking into SEMA’s Central Hall before the show opened . . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, well that security guard that pinched us was almost cute . . . he gave me his phone number.

CAMMIE: I’m not surprised. You even took those cards about the nudie shows that those illegal alien dudes were passing out on the street corners . . . .

HYDRA: I was hoping for a free ticket to the Chippendales or "Thunder from Down Under" . . . .

CAMMIE: And you thought those card-flipping, “no-habla” Mexican muchachos were handing them out?

Anyhow, what’s a “New Products Showcase scan?”

HYDRA: The New Products Showcase? Don’t you remember all those display cases over on the second floor of the South Hall here at SEMA? Or are the hot flash meds clouding what’s left of your brain? It’s where the buyers and the media get the scoop on all the hottest new stuff. And where I get the scoop on the hottest buyers and inksters (wink, wink) . . . .

CAMMIE: What! Is Speedzzter’s some media big shot nowadays?

HYDRA: Nah. But they still loaned Speedy a little bar code reader to scan tags on the new gear . . . they’re supposed to send the scans straight to your e-mail with a link to a product photo.

CAMMIE: I guess it didn’t work out for poor Speedzzter . . . .

HYDRA: Nope. Kinda like getting a prom date didn’t work out for you . . .

CAMMIE: Go ahead, rub it in Miss I-Dated-the-Entire-Football-Team. Other than a bunch of cheap and superficial flirting, what are you going to remember most about SEMA 2009.

HYDRA: Well, it might be kind of like what Brian Lohnes at Bangshift.com wrote – there are parts of SEMA you can’t swing a cat in without hitting a 2010 Camaro.

CAMMIE: Or some bit for the GM LS motor. But SEMA’s a lot more than the Camaro fad.

HYDRA: Yep. I’m going to remember the scads of hot rides parked outside and scattered through the Show. Widebody tuner cars, moon-jacked 4x4s, smooth customs, tons of Mustangs, the Ford Power Alley. . . .

CAMMIE: Yes, SEMA is quite the car show. I loved the historic drag car display in the lobby between the Central and North Halls: The Hawaiian, Prudhomme’s Hot Wheels “Snake” funny car and transporter, Don Garlits’ Swamp Rat V(a), the Stone, Woods and Cook Willys, the Freight Train digger . . . .

HYDRA: And there were scads of new products . . . superchargers, transmissions, nitrous, wheels, tires . . . I can see why Speedzzter had more than 300 scans

CAMMIE: And another thing I loved about SEMA was the awesome Ford display . . . they had several sweet rides.

HYDRA: And those smokin’ hunks from Galpin Auto Sports building a “new” ‘69 Mustang during the show . . .(Growl) .

CAMMIE: Back it down a notch, Coog! I also loved seeing that 1960s Indy V8 that almost never leaves Dearborn . . . and a SOHC 427!

HYDRA: You’re about to be on the losing end of a cat-fight if you don’t watch it.

Speaking of fights, I liked seeing the dueling Saleens – the new Saleen Mustang S81 from Steve’s former company and the new SMS 460 Mustang from his current gig. Too bad the organizers didn’t park’em next to each other.

CAMMIE: Now that would have been awkward.

HYDRA: You’d be the expert on “awkward,” Gangle Girl.

CAMMIE: I’m rising above your petty potshots today.

Anyhow, Agent 47's ‘69 Mustang was super-hot, too. I also liked seeing a bunch of high performance big wigs. . . Vic Edelbrock Jr., Steve Saleen, Linda Vaughn, Parnelli Jones, Brian Wolfe, Stacy David, Gene Winfield, Chip Foose . . .

HYDRA: Oh yeah, that’s another thing Speedy’s all bummed about . . . Speedy didn’t ever spot Dave Freiburger, Jeff Smith, Douglas Glad or hardly any of those other big-time Source Interlink hot rodding journalists. Speedy thought that the Source Interlink/Ford deal would guarantee at least an intro . . .

CAMMIE: There’s 100,000 people at SEMA. Spotting celebs is just the luck of the draw. And Speedzzter needs to get a grip . . . those journalists are working the show, not babysitting a horde of wannabes with seldom-read, poorly written vanity blogs.

We’ve got to wrap this up or we’ll have to shell out another $25 that we won’t ever get back from Speedzzter . . . .

HYDRA: Okay. Any advise for folks visiting future SEMA Shows?

CAMMIE: You can’t see it all, so don’t try.

HYDRA: Don’t be afraid to strike up conversations with car owners and exhibitors . . . even on the monorail

CAMMIE: Don’t be like my sister – bring some good walking shoes.

HYDRA: Stay in a hotel that’s on the monorail.

CAMMIE: Study the show materials ahead of time so that you can target your efforts.

HYDRA: Keep your camera ready and don’t buy new gear you haven’t tested (Sorry Speedy).

CAMMIE: Bring plenty of hand sanitizer because the public parts of Vega$ are becoming motley.

HYDRA: Find out what the “deals” are ahead of time, because everything in Vega$ is about “the deal.”

CAMMIE: Plan ahead on how you’re going to get 50 pounds of product catalogs, souvenirs, and swag home.

Get plenty of sleep (unlike my sleep-until-noon sister) so that you can see more at SEMA.

And if you’re stuck traveling with Hydra, bring more money “‘cause all she wants to do is dance and make romance . . . .”

HYDRA: How about I dance on your head?

[Computer time runs out]

{Internet Neutrality Notice: We -- Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- don't get "nothing from nobody" to style for Truth With Speedzzter. The opinions expressed herein are our own and do not reflect the views of anybody else we know of, whether sane or insane. By the way, why are you still reading this legaleze? Wasn't the word "NOTICE" enough to put you on "notice" that what follows is just boring babble conjured up by a roomful of lawyers?)

THE LIFTER SISTERZ “VUE” SECOND GEAR STARTS

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz.)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] If you missed our first two appearances on “Truth With Speedzzter,” our wonderful friend Speedzzter asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column by National Public Radio’s idea of a couple of gearheads, Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers...

CAMMIE: WAIT! Do you have to start with that every week? Surely everyone in America knows who the Lifter Sisterz are by now. And what’s with that “[Sent via iPhone]” business?

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Uh . . . this blog isn’t exactly that dead Spanish Granny’s blog or “Autoblog” or the “Truth About Cars” . . . There’s probably only about five people who aren’t lawyers for NPR, Click-n-Clack, or Ford that read this thing . . . .

CAMMIE: You mean that Obama’s not following us on Twitter . . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] You TWIT! This isn’t Twitter . . . on there, you’d have to say stuff in about a sentence and that’d make you explode . . .

CAMMIE: So you’re saying that “our wonderful friend Speedzzter” didn’t really give us much of a gig?

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] No. I’m just saying that you’ve got to start small. You think that Tom and Ray Magliozzi started out in 500 newspapers and on National radio?

CAMMIE: Whooptie-do, who listens to NPR? NOW WHAT’S THIS “[Sent via iPhone]” thingie?

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Well, we agreed that I didn’t have to come in to do this column, so I’m “iPhoning” it in on the way back to Indy for the 500 . . .

CAMMIE: WHAT! You’re supposed to run the wrecker this weekend!

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Well, technically I am. I’m driving it right now. . . .

CAMMIE: So how are we going to rescue all of the bad-driving picknickers on Memorial Day Weekend? Who’s going to tow in the impounds from the drunk busts? How are we going to jump-start all of the minivans full of kids on the way to grandmas house for the holiday? Do you expect me to do it all with my 725-horse Shelby GT500?

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] It’s a holiday weekend . . . Shouldn’t I get a three-day weekend off, too? I’ll be back by Tuesday . . .

CAMMIE: TUESDAY! You’ve pulled some harebrained stunts before, but this! . . . Not even a REAL NATURAL BLONDE would do something this stupid. It must be the hair bleach. It’s a good thing I’m into “turning the other cheek” and all that other New Testament stuff, or I’d have to hop into my 725-horse Shelby GT500 and race up to Indy just to whoop you.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] BRING IT ON, ANYTIME! You’d just better be glad that I’m not there right now or they might be havin’ a memorial for your face on Memorial Day . . .

Let’s get down to the second opinion because I’m about to stop at the Flying J to grab a snack and flirt with some cute truckers . . . .

CAMMIE: You have no shame. You’d probably even “flirt” with a brainless choade like Keith Obermann.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Oh yeah! Hubba, Hubba! He’s F-I-N-E FINE. . . so long as he keeps his fat, bedwetting liberal mouth shut! In fact, the best way to watch anything on MS/NBC is with the sound off.

CAMMIE: I’d rather sit on a cactus than watch Obermann, even with the sound off. He ought to retire the title of “the worst person in the world” on himself. And that Rachel Maddow . . . she’s crazy butch . . . you ought to send her one of your wigs.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] I oughta split your wig, Miss Support Hose!

CAMMIE: Stick and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me . . . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Let’s just hurry up . . . my exit’s coming up and I’ve been talking on the CB with a hot sounding hunk known as “the Love Magnet” . . .

CAMMIE: (under her breath) I hope he doesn’t stick to the plate in your head . . .

You’re texting and talking on the CB at the same time!

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Yeah, I can multi-task. I’m touching up my make-up right now . . . .

CAMMIE: More like caking on the Bondo . . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Oh you’re beggin’ for a little “stimulus package” up-side the head, Miss Pelosi.

CAMMIE: Now that hurt! Comparing me to that wrinkly, brainless old hag, “San Fran Nan.” You apologize right now!

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Hummmph!

Anyhoo, Tom and Ray didn’t leave us with much this week . . . they must be startin’ the holiday early. Just some dumb “bar bet” question about whether a hummingbird inside your car would crash into the windshield if you slammed on the brakes . . .

CAMMIE: Apparently the dude that sent that one in didn’t notice that the air inside his wimpy little P.C. hybrid isn’t blowing through at “highway speed.” I’d be more worried about bird poop getting all over the Alcantara leather in my 725-horse Shelby GT500 . . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Enough already! Everybody already knows that you’ve got a Shelby. And why do you think that the dude is a wimp with a hybrid?

CAMMIE: He must have a Prius or some other hybrid if he’s so board behind the wheel that he’s thinking up little “Mr. Science Guy” projects like that. And I mean if he’d ever heard Earnhardt explain drafting on a NASCAR telecast, he’d have already been able to answer his own dumb question. That tells me right there he’s wimp. Besides, he wrote into the Click and Clack, didn’t he?

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Good point! Alright, then let’s try the other question . . . It was something about starting in second gear . . . .

CAMMIE: Let’s get it on! A husband named “Jeff” . . . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] No commentary about “what kind of a name is that?”

CAMMIE: Nope. Jeff’s a real man’s name. Solid. American.

So Jeff bought his wife a 5-Speed Saturn Vue. . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Isn’t “The View” that shrill TV talk show with “Bar Bar Wa Wa” and a bunch of obnoxious, bra-burning liberal broads . . . .

CAMMIE: More like fat-burning . . . What about Elizabeth Hasselbeck! She’s about the only one on “The View” who knows what she’s talking about.

But the Vue we’re talking about is some ugly little SUV. And because Wifey's Pa told her that starting off in second is “better for the car,” Jeff’s home squeeze flogs that little SUV off the line in second.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] I’ll bet that’s thrilling. The only “Vue” of the folks behind her is this hideous, glacially-moving metal box blocking the lane. The rings aroung Saturn is everybody passing her. I wonder if she's got one of those slow moving vehicle triangles off of a tractor . . .

CAMMIE: Well, she’s not really going to be pounding out 60-foot times in a Vue under any conditions. She sure ain’t no Ronnie “Mr. Four Speed” Sox!

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Yeah, if Husband Jeff really loved her, he’d score her a Hemi Magnum wagon or something hotter than a “Vue” to haul his little spawn to little league practice.

CAMMIE: You’ve got that right! A Vue is really a super-wussmobile. But at least he got her the stick shift model.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] Not that Mrs. Jeff has a clue of what to do with it! Anyhoo, Click-n-Clack made a few jokes and told Jeff that first gear was necessary for starting to save the clutch.

CAMMIE: That’s it?

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] What! Do I need to repeat myself?

CAMMIE: I’m totally underwhelmed. That’s not much to work with this week.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] I know. Well I’ve got to say that if Mrs. Jeff’s Pappy told her to start out in second, she was probably learning to row the gears in a farm truck , or a tractor, or starting out on the ice.

CAMMIE: Yeah, trucks like our wrecker have a “granny” first that you can skip under most conditions, unless you’ve got a load.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] But most recent truck transmissions mark “granny” as “L” instead of first.

CAMMIE: Yeah, and if you start out in Granny, you almost fly into the windshield like that hummingbird at six m.p.h. or so when the engine hits the rev limiter . . .

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] But if you’ve got enough torque and a serious set of final drive gears, starting out in second is about like starting out in first in a car with “Bonneville” gears.

CAMMIE: That’s right. I had an old GTO once that somebody apparently had put in a set of 2.73:1 rear cogs way back during the Iranian Hostage Crisis. With a 2.20:1 first, that made for a doggy 6.06:1 final drive ratio in first. You didn’t start out very well in second in that one, even with over 400 lbs/ft of torque!

But then if you have a decent set of rear gears, like some 4.56:1s, and a modern overdrive transmission, like a Tremec TKO 600, your final drive ratio in first could be something more like a bumper-dragging 13:1 and you could easily skip first with a V8 if you’re just making an economy run to the convenience store.

And as anybody with “skip-shift” T56-equipped Camaro already knows, you get the best fuel economy getting into a higher gear sooner at part throttle. Pulling taller gears cuts pumping losses because the throttle is open wider.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] 4.56s with a TKO 600 sounds like way too much gear to me. 10:1 is a decent overall first gear ratio for most supercars. The overall first gear ratio in a Dodge Viper is about 8.2:1 if memory serves. And of course, under low traction conditions, starting out in second may be necessary to “hook” to the track or street.

But what does all of that have to do with a short bus like a Saturn Vue? Doesn’t that rig have about 2 lbs/ft of torque? You’d probably have to ride the clutch like Jan and Dean in “Shut Down” to get it to move out at all in second.

CAMMIE: I thought the Beach Boys did "Shut Down." But, Click and Clack pretty much got it right this time. The key is to short shift first and keep the revs down if you want to run cheap and slow.

HYDRA: [Sent via iPhone] No, both Jan and Dean and the Beach Boys recorded "Shut Down." It was that good.

A better idea is to dump the Vue before the clutch is fried and put Mrs. Jeff in something that has an automatic and some serious muscle. Maybe then she’ll forget about what she learned from Daddy in the farm truck and whip those kiddies to ballet practice in record time.

Uh, Oh! Here’s my exit . . . Gotta go . . . VIVA INDIANAPOLIS 500!

Back home again in Indiana,
And it seems that I can see
The gleaming candlelight, still shining bright,
Through the sycamores for me.
The new-mown hay sends all its fragrance
From the fields I used to roam.
When I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash,
Then I long for my Indiana home. . . .

CAMMIE: Well then . . . I guess to sum it up, if you’re going to whip around in a horrible rolling chicane like a Saturn Vue, then try not to block so much traffic by starting out in FIRST GEAR, and not in the deuce cog.

But then Mrs. Jeff probably has no business with a manual until she understands motoring a little better. Maybe an SRT-8 Jeep® would help her match up her need for a high-riding SUV with her dodgy gearjaming skills.

My Sister’s AWOL, so for Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz, keep your slicks a spinning!

THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON “MARVIN” (LIL’ JIMMY’S FIRST JEEP® )

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: Like we told you last week, “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column by those two old M.I.T. brainiacs Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.

Now in last Friday’s paper, Click and Clack hacked on some college kid named “James” who missed his first hooptie . . . an ‘89 Jeep ® Cherokee . . . .

CAMMIE: NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE, COOG!

We were supposed to do this column on FRIDAY!

WHERE WERE YOU ALL WEEKEND?

HYDRA: WHO YOU CALLIN’ “COOG,” MISSY!

[Hydra begins singing Paul Thorn’s “It’s a Great Day”]

It’s a bad day, so you betta’ git off ‘a my back!
You might git cold cocked
If you cross my path,
Cuz it’s a great day for me to whup my sister’s . . . .

CAMMIE: WATCH IT! WATCH IT! Speedzzter said we had to be on our best behavior because of little kids that might be reading this instead of doing their school work. Besides, I don’t want to have to keep explaining your Tourette’s Syndrome potty mouth to the preacher . . .

So answer the question! Where were you this weekend?

HYDRA: Hello, Miss Daisy! It’s the month of May! INDIANAPOLIS! The final weekend of qualifying for the FIVE HUNDRED! Bubble day! Do I have to borrow one of your crayons and draw you a picture?

CAMMIE: You’ve got to be kidding me.

I spent all weekend answering wrecker calls and wondering if you were laid out somewhere in a ditch! But MISS Demeanor here was canoodling around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway?

HYDRA: I met a three or four nice boys in the infield, but there was no “canoodling” . . . .

CAMMIE: What happened? Zipper get stuck on your leopard-print jump suit?

HYDRA: They’re gonna be putting a zipper-stitch up side your head in the emergency room . . .

CAMMIE: CALM DOWN! Can’t you take a joke? I mean, look in the mirror . . .

HYDRA: You’re just lucky I spent all night driving home from the Speedway . . . YAWN . . . or I’d give you something to look at in the mirror, Sweetie!

CAMMIE: So, why would anyone put themselves through all that for “Bump Day?”

I mean, ever since Tony George got all full of himself and thought he was one of the France Family and nearly killed Champ Car racing with his power grab, qualifying for the Indy 500 has had about as much “drama” as you at a drive-in movie with some with some greasy mullet-head in a Camaro.

HYDRA: I'll . . . YAWN . . . pretend didn’t hear that, Miss-I-Couldn’t-Get-a-Date-In-High-School.

Indy racing is obviously another one of those subjects in that big encyclopedia of stuff you don’t know anything about. . . .

CAMMIE: Well, Professor Bubble-Head, why don’t you “splain it” to us bumpkins . . .

HYDRA: Well, this year, there was more bumpin’ and qualifying “drama” on Indy bubble day than a whole season of NASCAR. Just ask Alex Tagliani, Stanton Barrett, or Buddy Lazier.

Andretti didn’t even make the show until about five minutes before the end of qualifying . . . on his last attempt!

CAMMIE: Andretti? Isn’t “Mr. Magnaflow” about SEVENTY YEARS OLD? Tony George must be scapin’ the bottom . . .

HYDRA: Not Mario! John Andretti. He looks a lot younger than you do . . .

CAMMIE: Apparently the heat and that corset has gotten to my Sister . . .

HYDRA: Just shut up and listen . . . YAWN . . . John Andretti was trying to qualify Richard Petty’s car . . .

CAMMIE: WHAT! They’re letting ‘em run Dodge Chargers in the Indy 500?

HYDRA: Of course not!

Now that Petty Enterprises is stone-cold dead and “The King” and his perfect set of teeth are apparently just figureheads at RPM, they cut a deal for RPM to be part of a real open-wheel Indy Car team, Dreyer & Reinbold Racing.

Anyhoo, Andretti folded her into the wall on the first weekend of qualifying and he was having trouble getting the 43 up to qualifying speed.

Then, at the last minute on Bubble Day, he bumped out Ryan Hunter-Reay. But Hunter-Reay came back on the final run of the day to whack out Tagliani. Mix into that a whole bunch of folks that kept pulling their cars out and requalifing them to stay off of the bump spot, and it was a crazy day at the Speedway.

CAMMIE: Well, this isn’t Sportscenter or the Speed Report, so we’d better get back to giving our second opinion on lovelorn James and his long lost Cherokee.

HYDRA: Alright, Lil’ Jimmy wrote:

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I’m having a serious case of separation anxiety from my old car. It was a 1989 Jeep ® Cherokee – a perfect first car for a 16-year-old-boy, if you asked me, as long as you ignored the fact that it had no air bags [Apparently Cammie never rode in it], working seatbelts or safety features of any kind. The car had tons of personality . . . .

CAMMIE: Do WE really need your half-awake, juvenile editorial commentary? The kid’s car was a pile but he loved it. Let’s just cut to the chase.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Okay.

Jimmy wrote, “I even gave the [Jeep ® ] a name: Marvin.”

CAMMIE: What! Marvin? Oh that’s a real take-no-prisoners, storming-the-beaches-at-Normandy, bashing-the-Rubicon kind of name! Not!

HYDRA: What is it with you and names? What should the kid have called his heap?

AH-NULD?

Matt Dillon?

Sylvester?

Spike?

Chief Leaks-a-Lot?

CAMMIE: I guess you’re right. An '89 Cherokee is kind of a milktoast Jeep®.

HYDRA: Not as wimpy as the Jeep Compass. That one would be like the Corporal Klinger-in-a-floral-print-dress of Jeeps.

CAMMIE: At least a Cherokee is sort of like a suburban soccer-man’s car. I mean it’s not a Prius or a Volkswagen Jetta.

HYDRA: Funny you should mention a Jetta, because that’s what Lil’ Jimmy’s Pa stuck him with to drive off to college.

CAMMIE: Yeah, I WAS HERE ON FRIDAY AND I READ IT IN THE FREAKIN’ PAPER!

HYDRA: Enough already. I’m sorry that you don’t know anything about any racing that doesn’t feature that overrated booze-hound, “Dale Junior.”

CAMMIE: I’m NOT one of those blind-to-mediocrity Junior fans! Now if he drove a Ford . . .

HYDRA: Well, back to Lil’ Jimmy’s QUESTION . . .

Now my problem is this: Despite my love for my new car – named Wolfgang, by the way – I find myself mentioning my old Jeep ® in conversations at least three times a week. In fact, I even have recurring dreams about the car. It has been more than a year now, and I fear I will never be able to move on. Tom and Ray, I need your help. What can I do to get over my old Car?

CAMMIE: How about dumping that wussy VeeDub and scoring a real car, like my 725-horse Shelby GT500!

HYDRA: Uh, Miss Motorhead! He’s a COLLEGE STUDENT!

He’s not going to swing a $50,000.00 Mustang on the bread he mooches off of his Daddy. And even if he could, do you really think that little green lizard or the cave men, or President Palmer or any other insurance hack would write him a policy for it?

Anyway, Click and Clack made a bunch of purported jokes about Tom’s affection for rolling junk and then said Jimmy-the-Kid should keep his memories alive, but would probably be a social outcast for jabbering on about his near-dead first SUV.

CAMMIE: That’s it?

HYDRA: You “read” it on Friday? Right?

CAMMIE: Okay, so it’s second opinion time. Let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, you’re right about how the Magliozzi’s missed it . . like you did your high school prom. They should have advised Lil’ Jimmy to make some new memories with something that approaches a real man’s car. Maybe an old Mustang 5.0, or even a real Jeep ®, like a vintage CJ5 or a Wrangler.

CAMMIE: Do Tom and Ray know anything about “real man’s cars?”

And, what kind of father would send his kid packing off to college in wimpy Wolfgang-the-Jetta?

HYDRA: The kind that apparently doesn’t want any grandchildren.

The next thing the kid will be doing is watching “Bravo,” and “Lifetime,” and “HGTV” all day. . . and going to Star Trek conventions or playing role-playing games . . Then he’ll be reading People Magazine and following Perez Hilton on Twitter . . . And before you know it, he’ll probably be buying a one-way ticket to San Francisco . . . . Goodby grandkids!

All because his Old Man didn’t love him enough to buy him a MAN’S CAR for college . . . .

CAMMIE: Yup. A Jetta would be a four-wheeled female repellant alright.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Even the “Wolfsburg Edition . . . .”

CAMMIE: Oh well, that’s different. He’s probably covered up in steaming, fecund co-eds. Yeah, it’d be like a ZZTOP video . . . .

HYDRA: ARE YOU CRAZY!

CAMMIE: It’s called SARCASM, Hon . . . kind of like when all those wasted losers on parole you meet tell you how “smokin’ hot” you are . . . .

HYDRA: I may be barely awake, but I still could “parole” you home for a month on medical leave . . . .

CAMMIE: R-I-G-H-T. You and that pancake of eye shadow can barely keep your puffy, old, bloodshot eyes open.

So, let’s wrap this up so you can finally get to work.

Jimmy, it’s okay to think about your “first love.” Study hard, make lots of money, and you can track down another Cherokee some day.

I mean Barrett-Jackson has made millions selling imagined copies of long-lost “first cars” to baggy, old Viagra(r) addicts.

When you’re old, somebody will hawk you a pristine Cherokee . . . .

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Hey now, you meet a lot of nice, distinguished, rich gentlemen out at Barrett-Jackson. . . Whoa . . . YAWN. . . YAWN . . . Guys that know . . . YAWN . . . how to . . . treat a . . . lady . . . . Although you wouldn’t know . . . anything about that, would you, Miss . . . Miss . . . Miss-Sarah-Plain-And-Tall?

YAWN.

CAMMIE: Whatever, Sleepyhead.

But Jimmy-Boy, just like my sister, you can’t live in the past. Sure, I know a bunch of old sots with twenty-something trophy wives and Corvettes who do, but you’re young and you need to be making some new memories.

You’ve got to dump “Wolfgang” Jetta and get something that’s hot enough to make you forget about “Marvelous” Marvin-the-Cherokee.

A saucy little sports number or a pavement-shredding supercar should make that old broken-down old Jeep ® look like the zit-faced hag you wouldn’t have touched in high school.

I know it’s tough on a college-student’s budget, but a few rips down a drag strip or open track in a real car will do wonders to make you forget your decrepit “first love.”

Trust me. I know.

HYDRA: Zzzzzzzz.

CAMMIE: Oh great. Hydra’s zonked out and I’m stuck running the wrecker another day. Well that really bursts my bubble!

Until next time, for the Lifter Sisterz, keep your slicks a spinnin.’

HYDRA: Zzzzzzz.

THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON GRANNY’S PRIUS

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: It’s no secret that “Truth With Speedzzter” is no big fan of National Public Radio’s Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers. That’s part of the reason “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column.

CAMMIE: And your first big question is “Who in the Henry H. Ford are the Lifter Sisterz?”

HYDRA: Actually, I expected their first questions to be “Is a smokin’ hottie like me free on Saturday night?” And “Why is Cammie’s butt so big?”

CAMMIE: Ooooh, Girl! You’re one to talk . . .

HYDRA: Now I don’t want to have to go all Lindsay and Samantha on your ugly face, so let’s just get down to business . . . .

CAMMIE: Yeah, another wrecker call might come in before we get the question answered . . . .

HYDRA: Today’s question to “Click and Clack” came from some “proud grandma” named Barbara . . .

CAMMIE: What kind of wack whitebread name is “Barbara?” Now I've got some horrible Streisand show tune in my head.

HYDRA: Are you off your A.D.D. meds? Just shut up and pay attention! Anyhoo, Granny Barbara has a 2006 Toyota Prius . . .

CAMMIE: Now there’s ya first problem! She ought to dump that wussy whip and score a real car like my 725 h.p. Shelby GT500 Super Snake! Then maybe her grandkids wouldn’t have to ride around with those grocery bags over their heads . . .

HYDRA: Come on now! She’s a granny! You know, support hose . . . a big honkin’ industrial-grade girdle like yours . . . blue hair. Anything hotter than about 90 horses and she’d probably stroke out on us. A Prius driver's not exactly "The Little Old Lady From Pasadena" . . .

CAMMIE: I don’t wear no girdle, Miss Silicone . . .

HYDRA: Aw, you beggin’ for another manicure with my torque wrench, Hon! Anyway, here’s her complaint:

[NOTE FROM HYDRA AND CAMMIE’S LAWYERS: The following quotation appears pursuant to the “fair use” doctrine of U.S. Copyright law. Besides, the so-called Lifter Sisterz can’t even pay our bill, so unless you want to end up with: (a) a pair of dilapidated mobile homes parked in some smelly swamp, (b) a beat-to-death “factory stock” race car, (c) a huge collection of Dolly Parton-style wigs, (d) a lifetime supply of “pleather” jumpsuits, (e) a tow truck that makes “Mater” look like a show-stopper, and (f) the worst collection of cheap, mostly-broken mechanics tools this side of a Mississippi pawn shop, DON’T BOTHER SUING THEM! And yes, Cammie's so upside down on what's left of the GT500 that she'll be paying on it in 2030]

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I am a proud grandma and a disappointed and angry owner of a 2006 Toyota Prius. The proud Grandma part is this: My precious grandchildren made me some small clay decorations, which I proudly displayed on my dashboard – a 2-inch clay flower and 1-inch clay ball sat against the multifunction screen. After a few weeks, the screen stopped working. I brought the car in to the Toyota dealer, who said that the small clay objects had “burned an image into the screen,” causing it to stop working. The whole multifunction device/screen would need to be removed and sent out for repairs, which would cost me between $850 and $4,300! Nowhere does the owner’s manual warn that such a thing could happen. The rationale sounds outrageous, as does the price. So what do you experts think? I sure would appreciate your opinions and advice. Thanks! – Barbara

CAMMIE: Tom and Ray are “experts?” Who knew?

HYDRA: Sure, they’d be magna cum laude Ph.Ds on wimp cars like a Prius. But you don’t ever see’em fielding any tough questions on real rods, like Vipers, Cobras, GTOs, Deuce Coupes . . . .

CAMMIE: Alright, so Click and Clack told Babs a couple of jokes, said the Toyota dealer couldn’t do a proper estimate without ripping out all that computer screen crap, suggested that Granny go beggin’ for a freebee on Toyota’s whiners-n-crybabies hotline ((800) 331-4331), and then suggested that another computer screen rig could be scored at the JY.

HYDRA: That’s it?

CAMMIE: Yeah.

HYDRA: And they got a national radio gig and the uncritical adulation of millions of import-loving, limp-wristed “appliance motorists” for advice like that?

CAMMIE: I reckon so.

HYDRA: What a country!

CAMMIE: Alright, so we’ve got to pump out a “second opinion” and we can waste bandwidth just a good as Oprah and Dr. Laura, so let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, the first thing that strikes me is – Why did Granny Babs stick a bunch of cheesy art projects on that flimsy Prius computer screen in the first place?

CAMMIE: Yeah! A couple of hunks of clay flying around that Japanese Jetson Jalopy in the event of a crash . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, if Granny Babs had piled’er up while she was hauling her “precious grandchildren” for another gut-busting day ‘o fun at Chuck E. Cheese’s, those young artist mopes might have been pickin’ shards of clay flower and clay ball out of their mugs.

CAMMIE: Of course the grocery bags would probably protect their faces, but clay projectiles flying around even in a wimpmobile like a Prius is bad news in a crash or evasive maneuver.

HYDRA: Evasive maneuver? In a PRIUS! What kind of cut could you make on those factory doughnuts? And at OUGHT POINT THREE Gs, the projectiles flying around in most Priuses would be the contents of the wussy driver’s stomach!

CAMMIE: Okay, so maybe the danger’s a tad hypothetical. Still it’s an obviously DUMB idea to “decorate” the dash with clay figurines.

HYDRA: Yeah, it’s almost as dumb as that Monte Carlo SS that pulled into the shop with a picture of the Virgin Mary PASTED OVER THE TACHOMETER!

CAMMIE: Of course the driver probably thought "what do you need this 'funny clock' for?"

HYDRA: I guess she was depending upon a Divine rev limter . . . not that you’d need much of one with a wheezing 305 Chevy small block . . . .

CAMMIE: I could just hear the confession now . . . “BlessmefatherforIhavesinned . . . I just sent three rods through the side of the block during a street race because I HAD A PICTURE OF THE FREAKIN’ MOTHER ‘O GOD COVERIN’ UP MY TACHOMETER! . . . and I’m going to have to take a pass on Church bingo for a few weeks while I save up for a new short-block. . . .”

HYDRA: Is the clay figurines thing dumber than the goofs who heat up their nitrous oxide bottles with a torch on “Pinks?”

CAMMIE: Nah. Splittin’ open a 1000 p.s.i. nitrous bottle will kill you dead. Your “precious grandson’s” clay ball hitting you in the head at 5-10 m.p.h. would probably only put out an eye or something.

HYDRA: You could get an eye patch to match your blue hair. Of course there’s another danger that Granny Babs probably didn’t think of either . . . RADON!

CAMMIE: Yeah, that clay was probably foggin’ it out big time.

HYDRA: Alright, do you think that Toyota should have warned Granny Babs about the hazards of using the multifunction computer thingie for an art project shelf?

CAMMIE: You gotta be kidding me! I mean does Oprah have to warn you not to shack up with some shiftless ex-con meth-head? Some ideas are just OBVIOUSLY DUMB.

HYDRA: You mean like putting Michael Waltrip in a race car?

CAMMIE: Even more obvious than that! Like not walking up to Goldberg on "Bullrun" and smacking him in the kisser . . . .

HYDRA: So should Toyota shoot her a freebee fix just to shut her up? I mean isn’t the “customer always right?”

CAMMIE: NO WAY! Toyota probably ought to buy her car back because she obviously doesn’t have enough sense to own or operate a complex piece of machinery. What about the price of the fix . . . $4,300 is serious coin . . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, that’d really cut into all those fuel savings . . . and wait until Granny’s got to buy a battery for that miracle Tokyo golf cart. That’ll dent the mah jong fund. But she’s probably some “planet saving” zealot, so $4,300 really isn’t that much to pay for all those smug looks she’s undoubtedly firing out at folks flying past her in REAL cars. If you want to play, you’ve got to pay.

CAMMIE: But does she have to fix it? Sure, it controls the heater and AC, the audio, and the nav systems, but do you really need all those “planet killing” luxuries? And it’s not as if she was really using it, considering she had it covered up with all those malformed hunks of clay.

HYDRA: And who’d spend $4,300 just to listen to NPR? Not me!

CAMMIE: She probably never even let the “precious grandchildren” listen to some of that crap that kids nowadays call music. I can just about guarantee you she never tuned into Limbaugh or Motor Racing Network. So why fix it? You could probably just rig the heater and AC with a few toggle switches and some jimmy clips, and save yourself about $4,295.

HYDRA: Who needs nav anyhow. Those “precious grandchildren” need to be learning how to read maps.

CAMMIE: Do really think she could find another computer screen at the JY?

HYDRA: Not any I’ve seen. Of course, if I ever saw a Prius in a JY, I’d head for a monster truck. I’d bet one of them little sushi sleds would spark big time when you squished it.

CAMMIE: So, bottom line: If you really love your grandkids, get rid of that embarrassing Prius and buy something with a little hair on it. Something that the kids will get off on blasting around in. Then maybe they won’t waste all their time making useless clay art and will get to wrenching on some rods and race cars.

HYDRA: But if you just have to keep that Prius, quit whining. Save up those Social Security checks and patch it up the best you can. And don’t put any more useless “art” around any of the fragile bits. Safety first!

CAMMIE: And if the "precious grandchildren" just have to mess around with clay, then put them to work detailing your whip with a clay bar.