SPEEDZZTER AT BANGSHIFT: RACING EDITION

[Get the latest "Truth With Speedzzter" here]

Over at Bangshift.com, there's been a fair number of racing topics as of late. Here's what "Truth With Speedzzter says . . . .

LEGENDS OF AUTO RACING GET RIPPED OFF BY EMPLOYEE

You'd think that as many of the "Living Legends of Auto Racing" that came out of the moonshining/bootlegging underworld, somebody would have shared the following tip:

Smile when they're snapping your mug shot.

(here's one where Indy 500 legend Bobby Unser had the right idea . . .

And so did exotic car owner Rush . . .

Saleen Mustang racer Tim "Home Improvement" Allen also knew how to "give good face" in booking photos . . . .

Even alleged hubcap thrower Tonya Harding tried to put on a happy face in the booking line . . .


And the UBER COOL Steve McQueen ("Le Mans", "Bullitt") had "the mugshot look" down to a science . . .
)

From the looks of it, alleged gambling and larceny may not be Ms. Burdick's only problems . . . .

BONUS: here's some mugshots of what your average Camaro owner looks like: (Note he's got the "smile" down in the later pix)

NHRA TO SANCTION TRACKS IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Top 11 Reasons Drag Racing's different in the Middle East**

11. Linda Vaughn and Jungle Pam in Burquas.

10. Between round teardowns in the pits must face Mecca.

9. Too many youngsters want to physically strap themselves to blown fuel Hemis.

8. Birdcatcher injector scoop renamed "Sandcatcher."

7. Ford versus Chevy rivalry to be settled with AK-47s and IEDs.

6. Starting device is called a "Great Western Imperialist's Holiday Tree."

5. All the best "tin" has been used up for car bombs.

4. Hand amputated if you're caught cheating.

3. "Baghdad Bob" rumored to be making a comeback as a track announcer (assuming he doesn't go to work for NASCAR instead). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baghdad_Bob

2. Jihadists keep driving up the price of nitromethane.

1. "Honest Ahmadinejad's Speed Shop."

**The following jokes are made in good fun and should not be taken as authoritative (or even informed) in any way on the rich and diverse cultures of the Middle East. We all hope that drag racing is a successful export to the region

NASCAR LECTURES BRAD KASELOWSKI ABOUT ROUGH DRIVING

Excerpt from top secret transcript of Brad Kaselowski's meeting in the Big Red Trailer**

Brad Kaselowski ("BK"): DUDE! I always wanted to come in here. But I though y'all had a hot tub up in here or somethin' . . . .

Max Helton: Did anyone give you permission to speak, Son?

BK: Uh . . . no, I guess not.

Brian France: Granddaddy Big Bill always said "Don't speak unless you're spoken to . . . ."

Helton: With all due respect, I'll handle this Mr. France.

France: Why of course . . . Lead on Maxarooney! Hun, you wanta git me another SoCo . . .

Miss Sprint: Certainly Mr. France.

Helton: Who do you think you are, Son! Dale Earnhardt?

France: Why no? I'm . . .

Helton: NOT YOU MR. FRANCE! I'M TALKIN' TO THAT POLISH PUNK IN THE FIRESUIT!

France: Oops! My bad. Hey baby, could you bring me some more of that catfish sushi and a banana?

Miss Sprint: My pleasure, Mr. France.

Helton: Kaselowski, I don't know what the deal is between you and Denny Hamlin and I DON'T CARE!

France: Hamlin's one of them good Toyota boys, isn't he?

BK: Well if he'd just stay out of my way . . . .

Helton: Did you forget that part about not talking! I'm about to park you so far under the grandstand that they'll have to FedEx you a NASCAR-licensed track dog! You'll have to have a golf cart just to go to the outhouse!
THIS IS NASCAR! N-A-S-C-A-R! It ain't some beatin' and bangin' dirt track series back home! Corporations . . . FORTUNE ONE FREAKIN' HUNDRED CORPORATIONS pay millions of dollars to see their cars on TELEVISION in MY show. They don't pay to see some nobody like you knockin' their NASCAR out of contention.

France: That's MY show . . . .

Helton: Sorry Mr. France. I mean, other than Mama Kaselowski, whoever heard about some goof like you until we gave you the PRIVILEGE of racing in NASCAR? There are 10,000 oval track racers in this country that would steal and kill to be where you are. And if I park you, they'll have to put your face on milk cartons to find you. Just ask that worm Mayfield! You want to join him?

BK: Well ...uh . . .I

Helton: Are you stupid, Boy? I didn't give you permission to speak!

France: You kinda did ask him a question . . .

Helton: It was a RHETORICAL QUESTION Mr. France. Kaselowski, I don't want you to even DREAM about rubbin' on anything Hamlin runs.

France: Granddaddy Big Bill used to say "Rubbin' is racin.'"

Helton: That was "Days of Thunder," Mr. France. And rubbin's going to be racin' back to nowhere for Kaselowski. YOU GOT THAT, BOY! If you so much as even ENTERTAIN A FLEETING THOUGHT about putting a bumper to ANYBODY, I'll know about it and you'll be running mini-stocks in Des Moines faster than you took Talladega!

France: Now if you want to give the ol' "Chrome Horn" to somebody . . . how about hittin' the 48 . . . he's really stinkin' up the show . . . .

Helton: (shakes head) Just forget he said that. You WILL NOT REPEAT IT to anyone. NOT EVEN TO MR. HENDRICK! You will say that you were "happy to have this meeting" and that you're pleased with everything NASCAR has ever done, and this meeting was a ""good sign for the sport."
You are dismissed!

**This is satire. It has no basis whatsoever in fact and should not be viewed in any way as intending to make any representations of fact about any person, event or place.

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Quote from: SpiderGearsMan: "speed installs nascar reruns on the schedule as rally fia has poor ratings"

Spidey,anybody who has ever seen an infomercial running on Speed should realize that ratings aren't the primary factor in programming.

Speed broadcasts seemingly endless amounts of trivial NASCAR programming because its parent, News Corp, made a ridiculous multi-year contract with NASCAR before the roof caved in. "The combined TV rights fee for Fox, ESPN and Turner averages $560 million a year through 2014. Additionally, each of the networks has a multimillion-dollar spend with NASCAR Media Group, which manages the TV compound at each venue and provides additional content, such as unique camera angles and audio."

Of course broadcasting the actual races is what drives the "deal." All of the mind-numbing ancillary programing merely makes use of the assets already on the ground to amortize their bloated costs. Given the fact that 55-60 cameras, the on-air talent, and the production crew are already on-site for the race,televising practices (YAWN) , single car qualifying (Zzzzz), and all the insipid pre-race/post-race/talk/game shows (Coma) at the track has a relatively low programming cost-per-minute.

Moreover, the advertising sales people can sell NASCAR sponsors multi-channel "package deals" they claim "leverage" the obscene investments that some of these sponsors have made into the sport (Note: NASCAR sponsorship probably still obtains a justifiable return on investment for large consumer products companies if they're primary sponsors for a team in the Chase or a "big name" in the sport, even with the growing numbers of empty seats in the stands and declining television ratings).

Reruns on cable are even cheaper. Original FIA programming would clearly be more expensive and would lack the "package deal" advertising aspect. Speed Channel's adverstising sales staff would have to go out and sell the ad time without the "leverage your NASCAR investment" sales pitch. That's a tougher job.

No NASCAR show on cable currently obtains noteworthy "mainstream" ratings.

The creation of a "NASCAR TV channel within a channel" was a key component of the "relaunch" of Speedvision into "Speed TV" in 2002. NASCAR was still booming back then and News Corp wanted something that would double the channel's penetration into cable homes (around half of all cable homes didn't get Speedvision). It made sense back then. Whether it does now is another, closely-guarded question. But the "NASCAR TV" concept seems to be moving from cable to the internet.

Speed, like ESPN, desparately hopes for NASCAR's permission to televise more live NASCAR racing under the multi-year deal. Thus, they also likely run much of the low-rated ancillary "sustaining" programs in order to improve the positions of their "brands" in the minds of NASCAR's media bosses.

In short, Speed's excessive programming of NASCAR content is driven more by other business factors than mere ratings.

2009 OPTIMA ULTIMATE STREET CAR INVITATIONAL

Almost 45 years later and Powered by Ford Cobras are still laying waste to the Chevrolets!

There should now be some disappointed Pro Touring car owners with a new understanding of concepts like power-to-weight, weight distribution, center of gravity, roll axis, and polar moment of inertia.

BTW, did Brad Kaselowski stop by to help Kinnan's HRM Factory 5 '34 [oops, I mean '33] off the track?


Quote from: zombie289 "Can't have a Pro-Wank shootout without show judging... one needs to justify the 5 axis CNC'd titanium hose clamps!"

Well said! Pro Wank . . . uh . . . Pro Touring is often too much about "boy racer" stylin' over actual performance. Appearance is not factored into the results of a drag racing competition. So why should they be a factor in other forms of vehicle dynamics competition?

* * * *
BIZARRE EBAY FIND: 1967 OLDSMOBILE AIRPORT LIMO

The 1967 Wagon Queen Family Truckster! How on earth did Clark Griswold miss out on that one?

Of course if you had a couple of spare Allison V1710 V12s lying around . . . or a TV Tommy Ivo's Showboat quantity of big blocks . . . that rig might make the foundation for the sickest mid-engined "gasser" ever!

And if you didn't want to jack it sky-high on a beam or tube front axle, you could plop an GMC blower on the 455 and leave it powering the nose, just like the Hairy Hurst Olds!

And with ~ 5000 h.p., that thing might even get down the strip before sundown . . . .

Of course because I remember when these "airport limos" were still in service and I figure some kid in the 22nd Century needs to see this freak in its original infamy, I'd probably just wimp out with a safe date-code resto.

INDIANAPOLIS MOTOR SPEEDWAY CHAIRMAN LOOKS TO MAKE SWEEPING CHANGES

Jeff Belskus probably will never see any advice from old Bangshifters (and doesn't want it anyway) . . . but there are four interrelated things that would save Indy-style open wheel racing from itself:

1. Increased car counts
2. Maintaining close competition (one of the IRL's few successes)
3. Huge reductions in costs
4. More engine suppliers

The way to accomplish these goals is to develop a new "open source" tube-frame car formula that thousands of ordinary short track racers can understand and even build on real-world budgets (and which isn't very dependant on aerodynamics for grip), powered by highly-regulated, lightly turbocharged versions of CURRENT production engines. And ban carbon fiber. And marble-producing "gumball" tires.

If this sounds like a partial return to slower speeds and the "junkyard formula" that helped Indy survive the Great Depression, you're probably right.

On the other hand, if there are 50-100 cars showing up trying to qualify, a healthy number of regional racing series running the new "Indy" formula, more sponsors because of a reduced "buy-in" cost, and a burgeoning number of local "hot shots" with a realistic dream to move up to Indy racing, ticket sales and TV ratings should skyrocket.

(Some may think turbocharging is inconsistent with this "back to basics" idea. But suitably small, cheap, spec production turbos could regulate power levels, widen torque curves for passing, allow for "push to pass" systems, improve engine reliability (more power with less RPM) and reasonably limit noise levels. Besides turbocharging was a tradition at the Speedway until Tony George ruined everything)

I probably ought to note that this flies in the face of Peter M. DeLorenzo's prescription for Indy:

Imagine for a moment that the new rules package for the 2012 Indianapolis 500 consisted of a one paragraph statement instead of an inch-thick book. Imagine if everything was "free" in terms of engine design, chassis construction, materials, propulsion, etc., as long as the cars fit into a dimensional envelope established by the Speedway and met the required safety criteria.

And then imagine that every car must average 15 miles per gallon -- or an equivalent energy use formula for non-ethanol-powered machines -- over the course of qualifying and the entire 500-mile race distance.

Of course the idea that any Indy car could competitively achieve more than seven times the current level of fuel efficiency by 2012 (much less 33 of them) is about as realistic as "Godzilla versus Mothra." It would reduce Indy to an "economy run" among a hyper-expensive group of freakish "X-Prize" racers.

And it would likely make those Bangshifters who want to "burn a pile of tires" everytime they hear about "greenhouse gas emissions" empty their jerry cans and fire up their Bics. In short, DeLorenzo's idea is not a realistic formula that would sell 300,000 tickets or lead to long-term success.