THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON “MARVIN” (LIL’ JIMMY’S FIRST JEEP® )

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: Like we told you last week, “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column by those two old M.I.T. brainiacs Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.

Now in last Friday’s paper, Click and Clack hacked on some college kid named “James” who missed his first hooptie . . . an ‘89 Jeep ® Cherokee . . . .

CAMMIE: NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE, COOG!

We were supposed to do this column on FRIDAY!

WHERE WERE YOU ALL WEEKEND?

HYDRA: WHO YOU CALLIN’ “COOG,” MISSY!

[Hydra begins singing Paul Thorn’s “It’s a Great Day”]

It’s a bad day, so you betta’ git off ‘a my back!
You might git cold cocked
If you cross my path,
Cuz it’s a great day for me to whup my sister’s . . . .

CAMMIE: WATCH IT! WATCH IT! Speedzzter said we had to be on our best behavior because of little kids that might be reading this instead of doing their school work. Besides, I don’t want to have to keep explaining your Tourette’s Syndrome potty mouth to the preacher . . .

So answer the question! Where were you this weekend?

HYDRA: Hello, Miss Daisy! It’s the month of May! INDIANAPOLIS! The final weekend of qualifying for the FIVE HUNDRED! Bubble day! Do I have to borrow one of your crayons and draw you a picture?

CAMMIE: You’ve got to be kidding me.

I spent all weekend answering wrecker calls and wondering if you were laid out somewhere in a ditch! But MISS Demeanor here was canoodling around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway?

HYDRA: I met a three or four nice boys in the infield, but there was no “canoodling” . . . .

CAMMIE: What happened? Zipper get stuck on your leopard-print jump suit?

HYDRA: They’re gonna be putting a zipper-stitch up side your head in the emergency room . . .

CAMMIE: CALM DOWN! Can’t you take a joke? I mean, look in the mirror . . .

HYDRA: You’re just lucky I spent all night driving home from the Speedway . . . YAWN . . . or I’d give you something to look at in the mirror, Sweetie!

CAMMIE: So, why would anyone put themselves through all that for “Bump Day?”

I mean, ever since Tony George got all full of himself and thought he was one of the France Family and nearly killed Champ Car racing with his power grab, qualifying for the Indy 500 has had about as much “drama” as you at a drive-in movie with some with some greasy mullet-head in a Camaro.

HYDRA: I'll . . . YAWN . . . pretend didn’t hear that, Miss-I-Couldn’t-Get-a-Date-In-High-School.

Indy racing is obviously another one of those subjects in that big encyclopedia of stuff you don’t know anything about. . . .

CAMMIE: Well, Professor Bubble-Head, why don’t you “splain it” to us bumpkins . . .

HYDRA: Well, this year, there was more bumpin’ and qualifying “drama” on Indy bubble day than a whole season of NASCAR. Just ask Alex Tagliani, Stanton Barrett, or Buddy Lazier.

Andretti didn’t even make the show until about five minutes before the end of qualifying . . . on his last attempt!

CAMMIE: Andretti? Isn’t “Mr. Magnaflow” about SEVENTY YEARS OLD? Tony George must be scapin’ the bottom . . .

HYDRA: Not Mario! John Andretti. He looks a lot younger than you do . . .

CAMMIE: Apparently the heat and that corset has gotten to my Sister . . .

HYDRA: Just shut up and listen . . . YAWN . . . John Andretti was trying to qualify Richard Petty’s car . . .

CAMMIE: WHAT! They’re letting ‘em run Dodge Chargers in the Indy 500?

HYDRA: Of course not!

Now that Petty Enterprises is stone-cold dead and “The King” and his perfect set of teeth are apparently just figureheads at RPM, they cut a deal for RPM to be part of a real open-wheel Indy Car team, Dreyer & Reinbold Racing.

Anyhoo, Andretti folded her into the wall on the first weekend of qualifying and he was having trouble getting the 43 up to qualifying speed.

Then, at the last minute on Bubble Day, he bumped out Ryan Hunter-Reay. But Hunter-Reay came back on the final run of the day to whack out Tagliani. Mix into that a whole bunch of folks that kept pulling their cars out and requalifing them to stay off of the bump spot, and it was a crazy day at the Speedway.

CAMMIE: Well, this isn’t Sportscenter or the Speed Report, so we’d better get back to giving our second opinion on lovelorn James and his long lost Cherokee.

HYDRA: Alright, Lil’ Jimmy wrote:

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I’m having a serious case of separation anxiety from my old car. It was a 1989 Jeep ® Cherokee – a perfect first car for a 16-year-old-boy, if you asked me, as long as you ignored the fact that it had no air bags [Apparently Cammie never rode in it], working seatbelts or safety features of any kind. The car had tons of personality . . . .

CAMMIE: Do WE really need your half-awake, juvenile editorial commentary? The kid’s car was a pile but he loved it. Let’s just cut to the chase.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Okay.

Jimmy wrote, “I even gave the [Jeep ® ] a name: Marvin.”

CAMMIE: What! Marvin? Oh that’s a real take-no-prisoners, storming-the-beaches-at-Normandy, bashing-the-Rubicon kind of name! Not!

HYDRA: What is it with you and names? What should the kid have called his heap?

AH-NULD?

Matt Dillon?

Sylvester?

Spike?

Chief Leaks-a-Lot?

CAMMIE: I guess you’re right. An '89 Cherokee is kind of a milktoast Jeep®.

HYDRA: Not as wimpy as the Jeep Compass. That one would be like the Corporal Klinger-in-a-floral-print-dress of Jeeps.

CAMMIE: At least a Cherokee is sort of like a suburban soccer-man’s car. I mean it’s not a Prius or a Volkswagen Jetta.

HYDRA: Funny you should mention a Jetta, because that’s what Lil’ Jimmy’s Pa stuck him with to drive off to college.

CAMMIE: Yeah, I WAS HERE ON FRIDAY AND I READ IT IN THE FREAKIN’ PAPER!

HYDRA: Enough already. I’m sorry that you don’t know anything about any racing that doesn’t feature that overrated booze-hound, “Dale Junior.”

CAMMIE: I’m NOT one of those blind-to-mediocrity Junior fans! Now if he drove a Ford . . .

HYDRA: Well, back to Lil’ Jimmy’s QUESTION . . .

Now my problem is this: Despite my love for my new car – named Wolfgang, by the way – I find myself mentioning my old Jeep ® in conversations at least three times a week. In fact, I even have recurring dreams about the car. It has been more than a year now, and I fear I will never be able to move on. Tom and Ray, I need your help. What can I do to get over my old Car?

CAMMIE: How about dumping that wussy VeeDub and scoring a real car, like my 725-horse Shelby GT500!

HYDRA: Uh, Miss Motorhead! He’s a COLLEGE STUDENT!

He’s not going to swing a $50,000.00 Mustang on the bread he mooches off of his Daddy. And even if he could, do you really think that little green lizard or the cave men, or President Palmer or any other insurance hack would write him a policy for it?

Anyway, Click and Clack made a bunch of purported jokes about Tom’s affection for rolling junk and then said Jimmy-the-Kid should keep his memories alive, but would probably be a social outcast for jabbering on about his near-dead first SUV.

CAMMIE: That’s it?

HYDRA: You “read” it on Friday? Right?

CAMMIE: Okay, so it’s second opinion time. Let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, you’re right about how the Magliozzi’s missed it . . like you did your high school prom. They should have advised Lil’ Jimmy to make some new memories with something that approaches a real man’s car. Maybe an old Mustang 5.0, or even a real Jeep ®, like a vintage CJ5 or a Wrangler.

CAMMIE: Do Tom and Ray know anything about “real man’s cars?”

And, what kind of father would send his kid packing off to college in wimpy Wolfgang-the-Jetta?

HYDRA: The kind that apparently doesn’t want any grandchildren.

The next thing the kid will be doing is watching “Bravo,” and “Lifetime,” and “HGTV” all day. . . and going to Star Trek conventions or playing role-playing games . . Then he’ll be reading People Magazine and following Perez Hilton on Twitter . . . And before you know it, he’ll probably be buying a one-way ticket to San Francisco . . . . Goodby grandkids!

All because his Old Man didn’t love him enough to buy him a MAN’S CAR for college . . . .

CAMMIE: Yup. A Jetta would be a four-wheeled female repellant alright.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Even the “Wolfsburg Edition . . . .”

CAMMIE: Oh well, that’s different. He’s probably covered up in steaming, fecund co-eds. Yeah, it’d be like a ZZTOP video . . . .

HYDRA: ARE YOU CRAZY!

CAMMIE: It’s called SARCASM, Hon . . . kind of like when all those wasted losers on parole you meet tell you how “smokin’ hot” you are . . . .

HYDRA: I may be barely awake, but I still could “parole” you home for a month on medical leave . . . .

CAMMIE: R-I-G-H-T. You and that pancake of eye shadow can barely keep your puffy, old, bloodshot eyes open.

So, let’s wrap this up so you can finally get to work.

Jimmy, it’s okay to think about your “first love.” Study hard, make lots of money, and you can track down another Cherokee some day.

I mean Barrett-Jackson has made millions selling imagined copies of long-lost “first cars” to baggy, old Viagra(r) addicts.

When you’re old, somebody will hawk you a pristine Cherokee . . . .

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Hey now, you meet a lot of nice, distinguished, rich gentlemen out at Barrett-Jackson. . . Whoa . . . YAWN. . . YAWN . . . Guys that know . . . YAWN . . . how to . . . treat a . . . lady . . . . Although you wouldn’t know . . . anything about that, would you, Miss . . . Miss . . . Miss-Sarah-Plain-And-Tall?

YAWN.

CAMMIE: Whatever, Sleepyhead.

But Jimmy-Boy, just like my sister, you can’t live in the past. Sure, I know a bunch of old sots with twenty-something trophy wives and Corvettes who do, but you’re young and you need to be making some new memories.

You’ve got to dump “Wolfgang” Jetta and get something that’s hot enough to make you forget about “Marvelous” Marvin-the-Cherokee.

A saucy little sports number or a pavement-shredding supercar should make that old broken-down old Jeep ® look like the zit-faced hag you wouldn’t have touched in high school.

I know it’s tough on a college-student’s budget, but a few rips down a drag strip or open track in a real car will do wonders to make you forget your decrepit “first love.”

Trust me. I know.

HYDRA: Zzzzzzzz.

CAMMIE: Oh great. Hydra’s zonked out and I’m stuck running the wrecker another day. Well that really bursts my bubble!

Until next time, for the Lifter Sisterz, keep your slicks a spinnin.’

HYDRA: Zzzzzzz.