Monday, November 23, 2009

NASCAR 2009 RECAP: FUTILITY LEAVENED BY TEDIUM

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but the 2009 NASCAR Sprint Cup season is finally over. And perhaps the best thing that Ford fans can say about it is “at least that turncoat Mark Martin didn’t win the Sprint Cup!”

2009 NASCAR MANUFACTURER STANDINGS
1. Chevrolet (262 points; 18 wins)
2. Toyota (207 points; 11 wins)
3. Ford (164 points; 3 wins (only one non-restrictor plate win))
4. Dodge (159 points; 4 wins)

In 2009, Ford won only a little over eight percent of the thirty-six races that comprised what Autoextremist Peter M. DeLorenzo calls “NASCAR’s death march of a season” (of course an actual “death march” would have exponentially more drama and human interest than the France Family’s common-template, common-specification snoozefest). In more than nine of every ten races, the Fords lost.

And at times, it didn’t even seem that close.

For throwbacks who root for “The Brand” (Ford, of course) rather any particular driver, this season was almost as bad as the seasons during Ford’s idiotic withdrawal from American racing in the 1970s.

For the first time in a couple of decades, I didn’t tune into NASCAR’s final race of the season. The 2009 Ford 400 at Miami-Homestead seemed to offer almost no prospects any Blue Oval “dust and glory” (other than perhaps the detritus stirred up by the Ford pace car).

And indeed, what happened is of little note, other than the fait accompli of Jimmy Johnson’s fourth straight title driving for pardoned jailbird Rick Hendrick.

So what can we learn from this wasted season of futility leavened with unbearable tedium?

1. “Some are more equal than others.”

The principal justification for the whole non-production, common-template, spec racer mess is that it produces “equal competition.” Yet with bankrupt Chevrolet and invading Toyota taking over EIGHTY PERCENT of the races, it is clear that the “equal competition” spin is an empty canard.

Just as in George Orwell’s Animal Farm, “some are more equal than others.”

Of course Ford spent virtually the entire 2009 season without their non-production FR9 “cheater” engine, while GM and Toyota both had not-remotely-production engines that were “maxed out” to the NASCAR spec.

Ford’s reliance on the last of the production-based engines, however, wasn’t the real problem.

The blame rests squarely on Ford Racing and Jack Roush. If the on-track results so far during NASCAR’s common-template “IROC era” are any indication, neither Ford Racing nor Roush fully appreciated the challenge of making NASCAR’s hideous “Car-of-Tomorrow” handle. The Fords got behind early in the COT era and apparently haven’t been able to catch up.

Either that, or Ford is simply stuck with some of the most dim-witted crew chiefs and whining, hamfisted, overly-cautious drivers in the history of motorsports.

2. Downsizing is wrong-sizing.

Once upon a time, Bill Elliott won as many races in a Ford during a NASCAR season as Toyota did this season. In those olden days, Ford’s effort was otherwise swamped by the cubic spending of GM. It was truly a “David versus Goliath” struggle.

Similarly, David Pearson wheeled the Wood Brothers Mercury to huge win totals during the “lost years” of Ford’s factory pull-out, despite running only a partial schedule and making do with a rapidly shrinking supply of factory parts.

The ancient heroics of the Elliott family and the Wood Brothers have likely convinced bean counters in the Glass House that Ford can somehow get more “bang for the buck” than the Detroit bankrupts and the “Evil Empire” (Toyota). The "new-speaking" corporate management geeks call it "right-sizing."

Ford’s abysmal results in 2009 ought to firmly discredit such hazy myopia.

Ford’s addition of the underperforming Richard Petty Motorsports teams for 2010 hopefully is recognition that in the new “IROC” era, a larger number of entries is necessary for evading testing limits, enhancing driver development and retention, and improving the odds of success.

3. Intramural competition is healthy.

Ford’s bosses could easily draw the wrong conclusion from Hendrick Motorsports’ domination of the 2009 season. GM’s effort was stronger because they had more well-funded teams racing their non-production “Chevrolets.” For the most part Ford collapsed their NASCAR operations into the Roush-Fenway organization. Although Hendrick supplied powerplants to a number of satellite teams, the competition among GM teams most certainly sharpened the Hendrick attack.


4. Jimmy “IROC” Johnson isn’t the greatest NASCAR driver of all time.


The NASCAR-beholden media is fawning over Jimmy Johnson’s four straight Cup titles. Many of these NASCAR scribes claim Johnson’s ascended to the very top of fendered oval racing’s all-time ziggurat, even in an era where competition is the best its ever been. They even argue that Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s poor results in Hendrick machinery proves that Johnson himself, not the massive Hendrick “Panzer blitz,” is responsible for Johnson’s success.

R-I-G-H-T.

Johnson and Chad Knaus may be the current champions of strategic winning (i.e. riding until it really counts). They apparently understand the math behind NASCAR’s made-for-TV Chase format better than virtually anyone else. But it’s ridiculous to elevate Jimmy Johnson to any greatness transcending the specialized corporate superteam/radial tire/power steering/big downforce era in which he races.

How many championships would Johnson have won saddled with a Roush-Fenway COT?

And how would this most forgettable of corporate P.R. babbling “metrosexual” drivers have fared in the days when crusty, leather-tough bootleggers and war heros slung huge, spoiler-less, manual steering stock cars around on bias belted tires for 50 or more races in a season? Would they have even let a “pretty boy” like Jimmy in the drivers’ meetings back then?

Take away Jimmy Johnson’s track-scraping “big bar, soft spring” set-up, most of the downforce, and his phalanx of engineers and specialists, put him into a production-based race car towed out in the open behind a pickup, and then see how many championships he could win.

But if NASCAR’s self-serving claims about competition parity are to be believed, then Jimmy Johnson is apparently the king of the IROC racers. But he’s hardly in the same league with the real men who manhandled real stock cars.

5. Ford should have hired “Rowdy” Busch.

Kyle Busch may be the rough-driving wild man that traditional fans love to hate. He may have been the odd man out during his days with the Jailbird Hendrick juggernaut. He may be one of the most annoying manufactured “stars” of this bland IROC era. He may have even demanded more money than his abbreviated resume justified. But had Ford instead of Toyota hired him, it’s possible that Ford would be looking at more than a puny triad of wins in 2009 (even stuck with the apparently inept Roush-Fenway COT).

6. Ford’s development ladder must be broken.

As the Roushkateers age – and the aged, jockey-sized prune, Mark Martin, embarrasses his former employer – it is abundantly clear that Hendrick and GM are far better at spotting and developing talent than Ford. Both on the pit box and behind the wheel, Hendrick has done a better job “locking in” the people necessary to dominate. Even ex-Hendrick drivers seem to continue greatness.

Meanwhile, no Ford driver “stepped up” in 2009. Matt Kenseth showed a couple of flashes early on, but usually qualified poorly and spent many races complaining about how his car handled. “Cousin” Carl Edwards returned to mere mortal status in 2009. Greg Biffle lacked the speed to deal with the Hendrick COTs or the “Toyotas.” It would be hard to find any “swag” for any of the other Ford drivers down at the local Walmart, which should be a good indicator of their seasonal futility.

Only at the fall Talladega wild-card of a race – the AMP Energy 500 -- did one of the lesser Ford drivers (the lame duck Jamie McMurray) break through the deafening Hendrick/Toyota noise.

Most certainly, there are some bean counters and “shiny, happy, smiley” golf-playing bureaucrats who are questioning Ford’s NASCAR investment today. They may even point to how the ruthless “Evil Empire” (Toyota) cut its losses in Formula One as a model for “corporate responsibility.”

But now is not the time to tuck Ford’s tail between its legs and abandon the field to “Government Motors,” or the blandastic Japanese invaders and their collaborating henchmen. Now is the time for honest reflection and fighting back. Ford didn’t win Le Mans four straight times by quitting. Ford didn’t revitalize Indy Car racing by cutting corners and costs. And Ford’s Cosworth didn’t become the default powerplant in Formula One for more than a decade by giving up in the face of better established factory operations.

For better or worse, NASCAR is the face of American racing. Its nauseating, necrotic corpse may be merely a shadow of its former self. It may have nothing much to do with production cars anymore. It may be suffering from the heavy-handed fumbling of the Frances. Its days of glory, great demographics, and double-digit growth may be gone for good. But, if Ford is serious about motorsports, it must be in NASCAR . . . and much more competitive in NASCAR.
Let’s hope 2010 isn’t as horrible as 2009.

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Monday, September 14, 2009

ROUSH FENWAY RACING: NO “BRAWN” OR “FORCE” (BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT RICHARD PETTY MOTORSPORTS)

[Get the latest Truth With Speedzzter here]

Roush Fenway Racing (RFR) is limping into the made-for-television “Chase” to NASCAR's Sprint Cup. (Or at least 2/5ths of RFR is)

And the odds of a common-template “Ford Fusion” winning the 2009 Sprint Cup must be astronomical. While a paltry 1/6th of the “Chasers” will have “Ford” decals on their look-alike “NASCARs,” Roushkateers “Cousin” Carl Edwards and Greg Biffle both hobbled their RFR funnyCar-of-Tomorrow “Fords” into the tail end of the Chase with sagging momentum and slim win prospects.

(Ford plans to introduce its new “common-specification,” non-production NASCAR engine at the Chase race in Charlotte, but whether it will make any impact on the title hopes of the Biff or Cousin Carl is unknown.)

The real heartbreaker was the failure of the only Ford driver ever to make all of the prior “Chases” – 2009 Daytona 500 winner and 2003 Cup Champion Matt Kenseth – to make the cut. Kenseth floundered in the “regular season”-ending race at Richmond, while a pair of “Toyotas” provided the only drama for the twelfth-place Chase “bump-spot.”

Contrast RFR’s apparent lack of performance and “strategery” with some of September’s headliners in motorsports:

1. Ford’s favorite drag racing organization, John Force Racing, stepped up and not only put a phalanx of fuel funny cars into NHRA’s version of the “Chase,” the wily John Force knocked rival Cruz Pedregon out. Critics (mostly the Pedregons) claim that Force manipulated the results of his match-up with teammate Robert Hight at the U.S. Nationals to get Hight’s“fuel coupe” into the “Countdown.” The NHRA found no evidence. But even if Force did “dump” at the “Big Go”, he “dumped” with style, timing, and strategy.

(In thanks for all the controversy, the NHRA fined Force $10,000 (ostensibly for shoving an NHRA official who stepped into an argument between Force and one of the whining Pedragon brothers). Actually, the NHRA probably ought to be paying Force $100,000 for all of the free publicity that the NHRA has reaped from the brouhaha).

In contrast to the strategic success of John Force Racing, RFR had more than one-in-ten cars in the field at Richmond, but lacked the tactics or performance to get Matt Kenseth into the Chase.

2. The real masters of strategy in September have been the Brawn GP team in Formula One. Leading the Constructors and Drivers championships based on early season success, Brawn slumped during the summer months. Some wags questioned whether Jensen Button and Rubens Barrichello could put their Brawns into the winners circle after the “Big Teams” seemed to regain their form. The early dominance of Brawn looked like a distant anomaly.

Rubens Barrichello, who is the only driver remaining in the series to have matched up against Ayrton Senna and Alain Prost (and one who suffered through three frustrating, winless seasons in Jackie Stewart’s Fords), managed to overcome the Brawn slump with a surprising victory in the European Grand Prix. It was Barrichello’s first win in five seasons.

Still, many thought Barrichello’s win as a fluke and believed Brawn’s storybook season was still going to come crashing down.

Yet Brawn – down 80 brake horsepower to the better-funded KERS-equipped teams – used an impeccable one-stop strategy to take another one-two finish at the historic Grand Prix of Italy (only a day after Kenseth’s flop at Richmond).

Any doubts that the Brawn GP cars are among the best handling and easiest on the soft “option” tires were erased at Monza.

Again, brilliant driving and a well-executed strategy produced spectacular results.

Also it appears that the Mercedes 2.4-liter V8 is emerging as the engine to have in Formula One. That’s a bitter pill for those who remember the domination of the Cosworth Ford V8s before the 1980s Turbo Era. One wonders what if Ford would have taken better care of Cosworth’s customer engine business in the 1980s and 1990s . . . .

Back in the homogenized “common-template” spec-racer world of NASCAR . . . among the more interesting news to come out of the Richmond weekend was the announcement of a merger in 2010 between Ford-aligned Yates Racing and the Dodge-aligned Richard Petty Motorsports (formerly Gillett Evernham Motorsports).

Although many expected RPM to dump bankrupt Dodge for cash-flush Toyota, the new Petty-Yates superteam will be “Powered by Ford” in 2010. “Yates driver Paul Menard will join RPM's three-car team of Kasey Kahne, Elliott Sadler and AJ Allmendinger.”

This isn’t Richard Petty’s first flirtation with Fords. Petty wheeled a Ford Torino in the 1969 season. And the defunct Petty Engineering team ran a Ford Thunderbird after “The King” took his Pontiacs to Mike Curb’s team in the early 1980s.

Perhaps if Richard Petty had aligned with Ford back in the days when Iacocca’s Dodge Division was abandoning NASCAR (at the time of the first bailout in the 1970s) or even later when the Daimler-Benz owned “DaimlerChrysler” was cribbing from Ford’s NASCARs to return to “Cup,” this news would be a little more exciting. But after decades of weak performance, the name “Richard Petty” is arguably synonymous with both failure and everything that’s wrong with the modern, corporate marketing-driven, common-template mess that is today’s NASCAR.

At least the new RPM should help the Ford car count in 2010. Whether the new Ford-powered RPM will challenge Roush Fenway (or more importantly the Toyotas and the Hendrick Chevrolets) remains to be seen.

Perhaps the slogan for Ford Racing ought to be “there’s always next year . . . .”

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Monday, May 18, 2009

THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON “MARVIN” (LIL’ JIMMY’S FIRST JEEP® )

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

[Get the latest “Truth With Speedzzter” here]

HYDRA: Like we told you last week, “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column by those two old M.I.T. brainiacs Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.

Now in last Friday’s paper, Click and Clack hacked on some college kid named “James” who missed his first hooptie . . . an ‘89 Jeep ® Cherokee . . . .

CAMMIE: NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE, COOG!

We were supposed to do this column on FRIDAY!

WHERE WERE YOU ALL WEEKEND?

HYDRA: WHO YOU CALLIN’ “COOG,” MISSY!

[Hydra begins singing Paul Thorn’s “It’s a Great Day”]

It’s a bad day, so you betta’ git off ‘a my back!
You might git cold cocked
If you cross my path,
Cuz it’s a great day for me to whup my sister’s . . . .


CAMMIE: WATCH IT! WATCH IT! Speedzzter said we had to be on our best behavior because of little kids that might be reading this instead of doing their school work. Besides, I don’t want to have to keep explaining your Tourette’s Syndrome potty mouth to the preacher . . .

So answer the question! Where were you this weekend?

HYDRA: Hello, Miss Daisy! It’s the month of May! INDIANAPOLIS! The final weekend of qualifying for the FIVE HUNDRED! Bubble day! Do I have to borrow one of your crayons and draw you a picture?

CAMMIE: You’ve got to be kidding me.

I spent all weekend answering wrecker calls and wondering if you were laid out somewhere in a ditch! But MISS Demeanor here was canoodling around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway?

HYDRA: I met a three or four nice boys in the infield, but there was no “canoodling” . . . .

CAMMIE: What happened? Zipper get stuck on your leopard-print jump suit?

HYDRA: They’re gonna be putting a zipper-stitch up side your head in the emergency room . . .

CAMMIE: CALM DOWN! Can’t you take a joke? I mean, look in the mirror . . .

HYDRA: You’re just lucky I spent all night driving home from the Speedway . . . YAWN . . . or I’d give you something to look at in the mirror, Sweetie!

CAMMIE: So, why would anyone put themselves through all that for “Bump Day?”

I mean, ever since Tony George got all full of himself and thought he was one of the France Family and nearly killed Champ Car racing with his power grab, qualifying for the Indy 500 has had about as much “drama” as you at a drive-in movie with some with some greasy mullet-head in a Camaro.

HYDRA: I'll . . . YAWN . . . pretend didn’t hear that, Miss-I-Couldn’t-Get-a-Date-In-High-School.

Indy racing is obviously another one of those subjects in that big encyclopedia of stuff you don’t know anything about. . . .

CAMMIE: Well, Professor Bubble-Head, why don’t you “splain it” to us bumpkins . . .

HYDRA: Well, this year, there was more bumpin’ and qualifying “drama” on Indy bubble day than a whole season of NASCAR. Just ask Alex Tagliani, Stanton Barrett, or Buddy Lazier.

Andretti didn’t even make the show until about five minutes before the end of qualifying . . . on his last attempt!

CAMMIE: Andretti? Isn’t “Mr. Magnaflow” about SEVENTY YEARS OLD? Tony George must be scapin’ the bottom . . .

HYDRA: Not Mario! John Andretti. He looks a lot younger than you do . . .

CAMMIE: Apparently the heat and that corset has gotten to my Sister . . .

HYDRA: Just shut up and listen . . . YAWN . . . John Andretti was trying to qualify Richard Petty’s car . . .

CAMMIE: WHAT! They’re letting ‘em run Dodge Chargers in the Indy 500?

HYDRA: Of course not!

Now that Petty Enterprises is stone-cold dead and “The King” and his perfect set of teeth are apparently just figureheads at RPM, they cut a deal for RPM to be part of a real open-wheel Indy Car team, Dreyer & Reinbold Racing.

Anyhoo, Andretti folded her into the wall on the first weekend of qualifying and he was having trouble getting the 43 up to qualifying speed.

Then, at the last minute on Bubble Day, he bumped out Ryan Hunter-Reay. But Hunter-Reay came back on the final run of the day to whack out Tagliani. Mix into that a whole bunch of folks that kept pulling their cars out and requalifing them to stay off of the bump spot, and it was a crazy day at the Speedway.

CAMMIE: Well, this isn’t Sportscenter or the Speed Report, so we’d better get back to giving our second opinion on lovelorn James and his long lost Cherokee.

HYDRA: Alright, Lil’ Jimmy wrote:

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I’m having a serious case of separation anxiety from my old car. It was a 1989 Jeep ® Cherokee – a perfect first car for a 16-year-old-boy, if you asked me, as long as you ignored the fact that it had no air bags [Apparently Cammie never rode in it], working seatbelts or safety features of any kind. The car had tons of personality . . . .


CAMMIE: Do WE really need your half-awake, juvenile editorial commentary? The kid’s car was a pile but he loved it. Let’s just cut to the chase.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Okay.

Jimmy wrote, “I even gave the [Jeep ® ] a name: Marvin.”

CAMMIE: What! Marvin? Oh that’s a real take-no-prisoners, storming-the-beaches-at-Normandy, bashing-the-Rubicon kind of name! Not!

HYDRA: What is it with you and names? What should the kid have called his heap?

AH-NULD?

Matt Dillon?

Sylvester?

Spike?

Chief Leaks-a-Lot?

CAMMIE: I guess you’re right. An '89 Cherokee is kind of a milktoast Jeep®.

HYDRA: Not as wimpy as the Jeep Compass. That one would be like the Corporal Klinger-in-a-floral-print-dress of Jeeps.

CAMMIE: At least a Cherokee is sort of like a suburban soccer-man’s car. I mean it’s not a Prius or a Volkswagen Jetta.

HYDRA: Funny you should mention a Jetta, because that’s what Lil’ Jimmy’s Pa stuck him with to drive off to college.

CAMMIE: Yeah, I WAS HERE ON FRIDAY AND I READ IT IN THE FREAKIN’ PAPER!

HYDRA: Enough already. I’m sorry that you don’t know anything about any racing that doesn’t feature that overrated booze-hound, “Dale Junior.”

CAMMIE: I’m NOT one of those blind-to-mediocrity Junior fans! Now if he drove a Ford . . .

HYDRA: Well, back to Lil’ Jimmy’s QUESTION . . .

Now my problem is this: Despite my love for my new car – named Wolfgang, by the way – I find myself mentioning my old Jeep ® in conversations at least three times a week. In fact, I even have recurring dreams about the car. It has been more than a year now, and I fear I will never be able to move on. Tom and Ray, I need your help. What can I do to get over my old Car?


CAMMIE: How about dumping that wussy VeeDub and scoring a real car, like my 725-horse Shelby GT500!

HYDRA: Uh, Miss Motorhead! He’s a COLLEGE STUDENT!

He’s not going to swing a $50,000.00 Mustang on the bread he mooches off of his Daddy. And even if he could, do you really think that little green lizard or the cave men, or President Palmer or any other insurance hack would write him a policy for it?

Anyway, Click and Clack made a bunch of purported jokes about Tom’s affection for rolling junk and then said Jimmy-the-Kid should keep his memories alive, but would probably be a social outcast for jabbering on about his near-dead first SUV.

CAMMIE: That’s it?

HYDRA: You “read” it on Friday? Right?

CAMMIE: Okay, so it’s second opinion time. Let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, you’re right about how the Magliozzi’s missed it . . like you did your high school prom. They should have advised Lil’ Jimmy to make some new memories with something that approaches a real man’s car. Maybe an old Mustang 5.0, or even a real Jeep ®, like a vintage CJ5 or a Wrangler.

CAMMIE: Do Tom and Ray know anything about “real man’s cars?”

And, what kind of father would send his kid packing off to college in wimpy Wolfgang-the-Jetta?

HYDRA: The kind that apparently doesn’t want any grandchildren.

The next thing the kid will be doing is watching “Bravo,” and “Lifetime,” and “HGTV” all day. . . and going to Star Trek conventions or playing role-playing games . . Then he’ll be reading People Magazine and following Perez Hilton on Twitter . . . And before you know it, he’ll probably be buying a one-way ticket to San Francisco . . . . Goodby grandkids!

All because his Old Man didn’t love him enough to buy him a MAN’S CAR for college . . . .

CAMMIE: Yup. A Jetta would be a four-wheeled female repellant alright.

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Even the “Wolfsburg Edition . . . .”

CAMMIE: Oh well, that’s different. He’s probably covered up in steaming, fecund co-eds. Yeah, it’d be like a ZZTOP video . . . .

HYDRA: ARE YOU CRAZY!

CAMMIE: It’s called SARCASM, Hon . . . kind of like when all those wasted losers on parole you meet tell you how “smokin’ hot” you are . . . .

HYDRA: I may be barely awake, but I still could “parole” you home for a month on medical leave . . . .

CAMMIE: R-I-G-H-T. You and that pancake of eye shadow can barely keep your puffy, old, bloodshot eyes open.

So, let’s wrap this up so you can finally get to work.

Jimmy, it’s okay to think about your “first love.” Study hard, make lots of money, and you can track down another Cherokee some day.

I mean Barrett-Jackson has made millions selling imagined copies of long-lost “first cars” to baggy, old Viagra(r) addicts.

When you’re old, somebody will hawk you a pristine Cherokee . . . .

HYDRA: YAWN . . . Hey now, you meet a lot of nice, distinguished, rich gentlemen out at Barrett-Jackson. . . Whoa . . . YAWN. . . YAWN . . . Guys that know . . . YAWN . . . how to . . . treat a . . . lady . . . . Although you wouldn’t know . . . anything about that, would you, Miss . . . Miss . . . Miss-Sarah-Plain-And-Tall?

YAWN.

CAMMIE: Whatever, Sleepyhead.

But Jimmy-Boy, just like my sister, you can’t live in the past. Sure, I know a bunch of old sots with twenty-something trophy wives and Corvettes who do, but you’re young and you need to be making some new memories.

You’ve got to dump “Wolfgang” Jetta and get something that’s hot enough to make you forget about “Marvelous” Marvin-the-Cherokee.

A saucy little sports number or a pavement-shredding supercar should make that old broken-down old Jeep ® look like the zit-faced hag you wouldn’t have touched in high school.

I know it’s tough on a college-student’s budget, but a few rips down a drag strip or open track in a real car will do wonders to make you forget your decrepit “first love.”

Trust me. I know.

HYDRA: Zzzzzzzz.

CAMMIE: Oh great. Hydra’s zonked out and I’m stuck running the wrecker another day. Well that really bursts my bubble!

Until next time, for the Lifter Sisterz, keep your slicks a spinnin.’

HYDRA: Zzzzzzz.

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