THE LIFTER SISTERZ ON GRANNY’S PRIUS

(A special guest column by Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz)

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HYDRA: It’s no secret that “Truth With Speedzzter” is no big fan of National Public Radio’s Tom and Ray Magliozzi, a/k/a “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers. That’s part of the reason “Speedzzter” asked us – Hydra and Cammie, the Lifter Sisterz -- to provide a “second opinion” on some of the gibberish that passes for advice in the syndicated Car Talk column.

CAMMIE: And your first big question is “Who in the Henry H. Ford are the Lifter Sisterz?”

HYDRA: Actually, I expected their first questions to be “Is a smokin’ hottie like me free on Saturday night?” And “Why is Cammie’s butt so big?”

CAMMIE: Ooooh, Girl! You’re one to talk . . .

HYDRA: Now I don’t want to have to go all Lindsay and Samantha on your ugly face, so let’s just get down to business . . . .

CAMMIE: Yeah, another wrecker call might come in before we get the question answered . . . .

HYDRA: Today’s question to “Click and Clack” came from some “proud grandma” named Barbara . . .

CAMMIE: What kind of wack whitebread name is “Barbara?” Now I've got some horrible Streisand show tune in my head.

HYDRA: Are you off your A.D.D. meds? Just shut up and pay attention! Anyhoo, Granny Barbara has a 2006 Toyota Prius . . .

CAMMIE: Now there’s ya first problem! She ought to dump that wussy whip and score a real car like my 725 h.p. Shelby GT500 Super Snake! Then maybe her grandkids wouldn’t have to ride around with those grocery bags over their heads . . .

HYDRA: Come on now! She’s a granny! You know, support hose . . . a big honkin’ industrial-grade girdle like yours . . . blue hair. Anything hotter than about 90 horses and she’d probably stroke out on us. A Prius driver's not exactly "The Little Old Lady From Pasadena" . . .

CAMMIE: I don’t wear no girdle, Miss Silicone . . .

HYDRA: Aw, you beggin’ for another manicure with my torque wrench, Hon! Anyway, here’s her complaint:

[NOTE FROM HYDRA AND CAMMIE’S LAWYERS: The following quotation appears pursuant to the “fair use” doctrine of U.S. Copyright law. Besides, the so-called Lifter Sisterz can’t even pay our bill, so unless you want to end up with: (a) a pair of dilapidated mobile homes parked in some smelly swamp, (b) a beat-to-death “factory stock” race car, (c) a huge collection of Dolly Parton-style wigs, (d) a lifetime supply of “pleather” jumpsuits, (e) a tow truck that makes “Mater” look like a show-stopper, and (f) the worst collection of cheap, mostly-broken mechanics tools this side of a Mississippi pawn shop, DON’T BOTHER SUING THEM! And yes, Cammie's so upside down on what's left of the GT500 that she'll be paying on it in 2030]

DEAR TOM AND RAY: I am a proud grandma and a disappointed and angry owner of a 2006 Toyota Prius. The proud Grandma part is this: My precious grandchildren made me some small clay decorations, which I proudly displayed on my dashboard – a 2-inch clay flower and 1-inch clay ball sat against the multifunction screen. After a few weeks, the screen stopped working. I brought the car in to the Toyota dealer, who said that the small clay objects had “burned an image into the screen,” causing it to stop working. The whole multifunction device/screen would need to be removed and sent out for repairs, which would cost me between $850 and $4,300! Nowhere does the owner’s manual warn that such a thing could happen. The rationale sounds outrageous, as does the price. So what do you experts think? I sure would appreciate your opinions and advice. Thanks! – Barbara

CAMMIE: Tom and Ray are “experts?” Who knew?

HYDRA: Sure, they’d be magna cum laude Ph.Ds on wimp cars like a Prius. But you don’t ever see’em fielding any tough questions on real rods, like Vipers, Cobras, GTOs, Deuce Coupes . . . .

CAMMIE: Alright, so Click and Clack told Babs a couple of jokes, said the Toyota dealer couldn’t do a proper estimate without ripping out all that computer screen crap, suggested that Granny go beggin’ for a freebee on Toyota’s whiners-n-crybabies hotline ((800) 331-4331), and then suggested that another computer screen rig could be scored at the JY.

HYDRA: That’s it?

CAMMIE: Yeah.

HYDRA: And they got a national radio gig and the uncritical adulation of millions of import-loving, limp-wristed “appliance motorists” for advice like that?

CAMMIE: I reckon so.

HYDRA: What a country!

CAMMIE: Alright, so we’ve got to pump out a “second opinion” and we can waste bandwidth just a good as Oprah and Dr. Laura, so let’s get it on!

HYDRA: Well, the first thing that strikes me is – Why did Granny Babs stick a bunch of cheesy art projects on that flimsy Prius computer screen in the first place?

CAMMIE: Yeah! A couple of hunks of clay flying around that Japanese Jetson Jalopy in the event of a crash . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, if Granny Babs had piled’er up while she was hauling her “precious grandchildren” for another gut-busting day ‘o fun at Chuck E. Cheese’s, those young artist mopes might have been pickin’ shards of clay flower and clay ball out of their mugs.

CAMMIE: Of course the grocery bags would probably protect their faces, but clay projectiles flying around even in a wimpmobile like a Prius is bad news in a crash or evasive maneuver.

HYDRA: Evasive maneuver? In a PRIUS! What kind of cut could you make on those factory doughnuts? And at OUGHT POINT THREE Gs, the projectiles flying around in most Priuses would be the contents of the wussy driver’s stomach!

CAMMIE: Okay, so maybe the danger’s a tad hypothetical. Still it’s an obviously DUMB idea to “decorate” the dash with clay figurines.

HYDRA: Yeah, it’s almost as dumb as that Monte Carlo SS that pulled into the shop with a picture of the Virgin Mary PASTED OVER THE TACHOMETER!

CAMMIE: Of course the driver probably thought "what do you need this 'funny clock' for?"

HYDRA: I guess she was depending upon a Divine rev limter . . . not that you’d need much of one with a wheezing 305 Chevy small block . . . .

CAMMIE: I could just hear the confession now . . . “BlessmefatherforIhavesinned . . . I just sent three rods through the side of the block during a street race because I HAD A PICTURE OF THE FREAKIN’ MOTHER ‘O GOD COVERIN’ UP MY TACHOMETER! . . . and I’m going to have to take a pass on Church bingo for a few weeks while I save up for a new short-block. . . .”

HYDRA: Is the clay figurines thing dumber than the goofs who heat up their nitrous oxide bottles with a torch on “Pinks?”

CAMMIE: Nah. Splittin’ open a 1000 p.s.i. nitrous bottle will kill you dead. Your “precious grandson’s” clay ball hitting you in the head at 5-10 m.p.h. would probably only put out an eye or something.

HYDRA: You could get an eye patch to match your blue hair. Of course there’s another danger that Granny Babs probably didn’t think of either . . . RADON!

CAMMIE: Yeah, that clay was probably foggin’ it out big time.

HYDRA: Alright, do you think that Toyota should have warned Granny Babs about the hazards of using the multifunction computer thingie for an art project shelf?

CAMMIE: You gotta be kidding me! I mean does Oprah have to warn you not to shack up with some shiftless ex-con meth-head? Some ideas are just OBVIOUSLY DUMB.

HYDRA: You mean like putting Michael Waltrip in a race car?

CAMMIE: Even more obvious than that! Like not walking up to Goldberg on "Bullrun" and smacking him in the kisser . . . .

HYDRA: So should Toyota shoot her a freebee fix just to shut her up? I mean isn’t the “customer always right?”

CAMMIE: NO WAY! Toyota probably ought to buy her car back because she obviously doesn’t have enough sense to own or operate a complex piece of machinery. What about the price of the fix . . . $4,300 is serious coin . . . .

HYDRA: Yeah, that’d really cut into all those fuel savings . . . and wait until Granny’s got to buy a battery for that miracle Tokyo golf cart. That’ll dent the mah jong fund. But she’s probably some “planet saving” zealot, so $4,300 really isn’t that much to pay for all those smug looks she’s undoubtedly firing out at folks flying past her in REAL cars. If you want to play, you’ve got to pay.

CAMMIE: But does she have to fix it? Sure, it controls the heater and AC, the audio, and the nav systems, but do you really need all those “planet killing” luxuries? And it’s not as if she was really using it, considering she had it covered up with all those malformed hunks of clay.

HYDRA: And who’d spend $4,300 just to listen to NPR? Not me!

CAMMIE: She probably never even let the “precious grandchildren” listen to some of that crap that kids nowadays call music. I can just about guarantee you she never tuned into Limbaugh or Motor Racing Network. So why fix it? You could probably just rig the heater and AC with a few toggle switches and some jimmy clips, and save yourself about $4,295.

HYDRA: Who needs nav anyhow. Those “precious grandchildren” need to be learning how to read maps.

CAMMIE: Do really think she could find another computer screen at the JY?

HYDRA: Not any I’ve seen. Of course, if I ever saw a Prius in a JY, I’d head for a monster truck. I’d bet one of them little sushi sleds would spark big time when you squished it.

CAMMIE: So, bottom line: If you really love your grandkids, get rid of that embarrassing Prius and buy something with a little hair on it. Something that the kids will get off on blasting around in. Then maybe they won’t waste all their time making useless clay art and will get to wrenching on some rods and race cars.

HYDRA: But if you just have to keep that Prius, quit whining. Save up those Social Security checks and patch it up the best you can. And don’t put any more useless “art” around any of the fragile bits. Safety first!

CAMMIE: And if the "precious grandchildren" just have to mess around with clay, then put them to work detailing your whip with a clay bar.

WHY RETOOLING THE WAYNE TRUCK PLANT MAKES SENSE

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For the last couple of days, the Ford world has been a-twitter with Ford Motor Company's (F) announcement of its committment to build the next generation Focus and an some sort of electric-golf-cart-phone-booth-city car right here in the U.S.A. With $500,000,000.00 pledged to retool truck plants for the purpose, both the stock market and appliance motoring auto journalists have been cooing FoMoCo's praises.

Still, history suggests that building small cars in U.A.W.-controlled plants is a money-loser. FoMoCo boss Alan Mulally says that its different this time.

But even if it's not, it still makes sense.

Why?

Undoubtedly the new Wayne plant tooling and line will be flexible, so that FoMoCo can dump the electric toy cars on short notice.

On the other hand, building small cars in America is one of Ford's few potential strategic advantages. Even if the next-gen Focus is not profitable under the UAW-Obama-Radical Green captivity of Ford's microeconomics, it is necessary because of the "two fleets" rule to offset the sorts of larger and high-performance vehicles consumers really want and need.

It is also good business as an active counter to the backlash against perceptions of a predatory Asian invasion of the U.S. auto market (As quality American jobs become more scarce and unstable, it is inevitable that some consumers will turn more "nationalistic" in their durable goods purchases out of a feeling that we're losing too many "good" jobs overseas. Purchase of an "all-American" vehicle instead of an import or "invader"/transplant will seem to many as a symbolic show of support for the American economy and America's industrial future)

Moreover, as the economy shrinks under the weight of Obamanomics ("Cap and trade," "card check" unionization, huge deficits, stagflation, punitive taxation and regulation of small businesses and entrepreneurs, expansion of government entitlements, etc.) Ford will be forced to increase its marketshare in smaller vehicles.

It's also a necessary hedge for opposing unreasonable regulatory adjustments of the Corporate Average Fuel Economy standards. Pressure from the courts, California, and Obama's environmental constituents will be to jack fuel economy averages to as much as 40 m.p.g. or more! Ford has to at least try to build and sell small cars in the U.S.A. before it can credibly argue future regulatory increases in these standards are wildly unrealistic (which they are). Increasing the U.A.W.'s stake in this debate is brilliant.

Finally, it fits with the "touchy-feely" corporate narrative that FoMoCo is pushing at the present time. (See the Ford Story website link on the sidebar) While most of the profits may still come from the working (e.g. SUVs/trucks) and fun (high performance/sporty) sides of the business, Ford needs a strong smokescreen of "Good Green Global Citizen" claptrap to placate politicians, activist shareholders, special interest groups, and certain members of the Ford family.

SEMA ON THE OBAMA-DEMOCRAT-FORD WAR AGAINST COLLECTOR CARS

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The disguised bailout known as "Cash for Clunkers" is generating a lot of opposition from the automotive aftermarket.

Although Ford Motor Company (F) and William Clay Ford, Jr. are aping the ignorant "history is bunk" proclamations of FoMoCo's founder by shamelessly begging for billions in borrowed bailout cash laundered through a greeniac/Federally-run "Cash for Clunkers" program, those with a sense of automotive history and appreciation for grassroots motorsports, auto collecting, and restoration are appalled and enraged.

Moreover, those who believe in fiscal restraint and limited government are also beside themselves at the prospect of yet another deficit-funded bailout boondoggle/welfare program.

One of the strongest points of opposition is from the Specialty Equipment Market Association. SEMA correctly realizes that destroying ONE MILLION or more vintage vehicles with funds borrowed from the Asians and grandchildren would be devistating for vintage vehicle enthusiasts and the businesses they rely on to pursue their dreams.

The most radical of the liberal, power-mad greens pushing the Cash for Clunkers welfare scheme, of course, have absolutely no appreciation whatsoever for any motorsports or automotive hobbies. And Ford's appreciation only goes to the "business case" it can make for serving its most loyal customers among the ranks of grassroots motorsports, hot rodding, collecting and restoration markets.

Now that "Cash for Clunkers" is on a greased fast-track toward enactment, SEMA has stepped up its criticism of it:

WASHINGTON, DC (May 5, 2009) – The Specialty Equipment Market Association (SEMA) is disappointed that today lawmakers and the Administration have taken another step toward establishing a national “Cash for Clunkers” program. SEMA recognizes the urgent need to direct economic stimulus towards automakers and dealerships, and protect the environment. SEMA has consistently supported the concept of government–issued vouchers and other incentives to purchase new, fuel-efficient cars as a mechanism to achieve that goal. With a program that includes scrapping cars and trucks, Congress is simply taking the wrong approach.

SEMA will continue to work with lawmakers to find ways to minimize the harm a motor vehicle scrappage program will needlessly impose on thousands of independent repair shops, auto restorers, customizers and their customers across the country. SEMA will promote instead a government incentive program that will help clean the environment, provide for vehicle and parts recycling, and preserve collector cars for future generations.

We are in contact with Congressional offices working toward that goal now.
Automakers and dealers need to sell cars in order to survive, but potential buyers have hit the brakes in these tough economic times. Scrappage programs actually would deny vouchers to the majority of people who may want to buy a new car but don’t have an eligible older car to trade. Instead, these programs will be misused by those who own two or three older cars and seek to take advantage of the taxpayer give-away. Many of these cars aren’t frequently driven, if at all, so destroying them will not clean the nation’s air or make us less dependent on foreign oil.

While supporters tout a similar German program as evidence of success, the European Federation for Transport and the Environment, (the pan-European federation of environmental groups), has urged Germany and other countries to abandon scrappage subsidies because they do more environmental harm than good by artificially accelerating the car life cycle.

Scrappage programs hurt thousands of independent repair shops, auto restorers, customizers and their customers across the country. This industry provides thousands of American jobs and generates millions of dollars in local, state and federal tax revenues. We encourage the President to help the entire auto industry with programs that focus the incentive where it counts – on the purchase of new vehicles and not destroying older cars.

While SEMA does not have the freedom to speak out as strongly against the idiotic OBAMA-Democrat-Ford War Against Collector Cars and Grassroots Motorsports as Truth With Speedzzter, SEMA's comments should resonate among all those with any sense of appreciation for our Automotive history.

Keep up the fight SEMA!

And DON'T WAIT! Call your Representative and Senators today in oppostion to ANY "Cash for Clunkers" bailout scheme!

FOMOCO LEGENDS ELLIOTT AND HAJEK TO SET CLOSED COURSE RECORD

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Bangshift.com is reporting that the legendary Awesome Bill Elliott and Ford racing super-collector Brent Hajek have teamed up to reset the closed course stock car record at Talladega. The historic run is scheduled for May 13, 2009, in Hajek's Bonneville-proven 252 m.p.h. E85 Cobra Jet Mustang.

Elliott, who holds (and likely will hold for all time) the official NASCAR closed course speed record, once drove a NASCAR-legal 1987 Ford Thunderbird stock car to an astonishing 212.229 m.p.h. at Talledega.

(Now, twenty-two years later, the few remaining vintage 1987 Thunderbirds will be primary targets of the "Cash for Clunkers" bailout/Federal war against collector cars. And far from the old days of "Million Dollar Bill," Elliott has aged into Richard Petty-esque backmarker status as a part-time campaigner on NASCAR's ridiculous FUNNYCar-of-Tomorrow Sprint Cup Circuit. However, back in the day, Elliott and his family-built Dawsonville, Georgia Thunderbird were the fastest stock car team ever. Sadly, those days appear gone forever. )

Best wishes and Godspeed to Hajek and Elliott as they challenge "the demon" that lives over 200 m.p.h. at Talledega. Keep the pedal down and the shiny side up, Bill.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS AND FUZZY "OBAMATH"

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Make no mistake about it, "Cash for Clunkers" is merely another scheme to disguise sending more bailout cash (that we don't have) to Detroit (and worse yet, to a host of predatory foreign automakers that we've got absolutely no reason to be subsidizing). It's merely bailout cash that's been laundered through a non-market-based "consumer" transaction.

Ford Motor Company (F) apparently favors it out of the hope that the general public is either too greedy or too stupid to figure out that "Cash for Clunkers" is a scheme to transfer more borrowed money to the automakers.

Ford's misguided war on vintage collector cars through its support of "Cash for Clunkers" is thus equivalent to sticking its grubby corporate hand in the same public trough as Chrysler and General Motors. But even better for Ford's bailout aspirations, "Cash for Clunkers" is basically free money. The only people who will ever have to pay for it are our children and grandchildren, the legion of automobile restorers, racers, and hot rodders who will be forced to pay higher prices for auto parts and project vehicles, and the scores of aftermarket automotive businesses that will be devastated.

The German front of the Greeniac War Against Collector Cars has generated massive costs and questionable benefits for the automakers (including Ford) who have received the "bailout" cash from the German government. BusinessWeek reported that:

Retailers, for example, have complained bitterly that the program sucks spending from other categories. German retail sales fell 1.5% in March—the third monthly decline in a row—a decline that retail industry groups blame partly on incentives to buy cars rather than other goods.

The rebate also is expensive. Nominally it will cost $6.6 billion if Germans take full advantage of the program. The real cost is harder to figure. Increased sales will boost sales tax revenues, and the state will avoid the cost of unemployment benefits for workers who might have lost their jobs. On the negative side of the balance sheet, the program will kill jobs in other parts of the economy, for example auto repair shops or used-car dealers. A study by the Halle Economic Institute, a major think tank, estimates that the net burden on the German government budget will be $3.5 billion.

[A]nother problem is that much of the money—75%, according to the Halle study—will go to people who would have bought cars anyway. And a large chunk of German taxpayer dollars will flow to manufacturers outside the country.

Moreover, the fuzzy bailout math used by the Obama Administration and the wild-spending Democrats running Congress is coming under increasing scrutiny. For example, The Wall Street Journal's Evan Newmark reported the following corrected accounting of the bailout money to be spent to "save" Chrysler for FIAT:

Take the $12.8 billion in taxpayer funds that have already been extended. Add the $1.5 billion lent to Chrysler Financial. Add, say, $2 billion in DOE “alternative” fuel loans. (It actually could be as much as $6 billion). Tack on the cost of Chrysler’s pro-rata piece of the “cash for clunkers” program, say $200 million.

Presto! Taxpayers will be putting up at least $16.5 billion for the Chrysler bailout. That isn’t even close to Obama’s magical $6 billion.

So go ahead, chalk up another victory for the opacity of politics over the openness of good government. It isn’t its first win in the Obama presidency. And it won’t be its last.

Newmark is correct that "Cash for Clunkers" receipts should be accounted for as bailout cash. That's what it is.

Ford has benefitted from avoiding the stigma of bailout cash. However, Ford's anti-vintage-automobile shilling for "Cash for Clunkers" is merely a ruse to siddle up to the public trough and root for its "fair share" of federal deficit spending.

If "Cash for Clunkers" passes and becomes law, potential customers ought to hold it against Ford, just as some auto buyers now hold taking bailout money against General Motors and Chrysler.

OBAMA'S "CASH FOR CLUNKERS" BOONDOGGLE GETS EVEN WORSE!

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The OBAMAcrat/greeniac war against America's automotive history is about to get even worse.

According to CNN, the free-spending Democrats running the Congress in lock-step with the neo-Socialist Obama Administration has put together a "deal" to destroy as many as ONE MILLION HISTORIC VEHICLES in less than a year through a revamped, borrowed-money funded "Cash for Clunkers" give-a-way.

Under the so-called cash-for-clunkers legislation, consumers with old, gas guzzlers could get $3,500 or $4,500 in government vouchers to use toward the purchase of new cars that get gas mileage that exceeds the old car's by four miles per gallon. . . ..

The deal on cash-for-clunkers would put more vouchers in the hands of consumers [i.e. waste more money than we have] than a competing bill in the Senate. Its broad nature is irking environmentalists who say it helps automakers more than the environment.

For example, under the deal, a consumer could turn in a clunker that gets 18 miles per gallon and get $3,500 to buy a car that just barely meets minimum emissions standards in the United States.

The potential abuses under this revised "OBAMACash for Clunkers" plan are mindboggling.

Grandma's seldom-driven, pristine, always-garaged, low-mileage, collectable 1980s car is now fodder for any dumb kid wanting a quick $3,500.00 discount off of a "throwaway" Japanese SUV (with 80+ percent of the revenue ending up overseas).

Somebody wanting a new V8 Mustang GT or a Camaro would be paid by the government to trade in a classic Ford parts car (which would be highly useable to someone restoring a milestone Ford collectable) or 24 Hours of Lemons entry for thousands in "cash on the hood."

Any vehicle that could be made to run and having a cash value of less than the vouchers that the crazy spending-spree Democrats are planning to throw around IS IMMEDIATELY AN ENDANGERED SPECIES under this latest plan.

Hundreds of thousands of restorable vehicles, milestone vehicles, and essential parts vehicles will be wasted. Prices for all used vehicles near the voucher cut-off will skyrocket. Thousands of rare and irreplaceable sports and performance cars will be destroyed. And that's what the liberal, car-hating appliance motorists and off-the-deep-end greens behind this insane plan are counting on.

This market tampering is the taxpayer-funded looting of our recent automotive history. It is wrong. It's a declaration of war against our automotive history and automotive hobbies.

Moreover, it risks becoming a permanent entitlement that will rapidly deplete the supply of economical special interest vehicles and radically curtail the portions of the aftermarket dependent upon vehicle restoration, grassroots racing, and high-performance.

The amazing thing is that "vouchers" is often a dirty word among the liberals. Just try to get a "voucher" to get your kid out of a failing, dumbed-down, hostile-to-religious-free-exercise, union-controlled government school. They say (inaccurately) that such "vouchers" endanger entangling religion with government. However, these "cash for clunkers" vouchers -- which would be made with money borrowed from the totalitarian Chinese regime and other foreign investors in Treasury debt instruments-- entangle government with the environmental religion sweeping the globe.

Write and call your Senators and representative today to oppose "Cash for Clunkers" welfare give-a-ways.

TOYOTA PRIUS: DEADLY OR JUST DEATHLY DULL?

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Real motoring enthusiasts stuck behind some lane-clogging appliance motorist/zealot in a Toyota Prius can be forgiven for wondering if any acceleration by it is "intentional."

However, an apparently increasing number of anecdotal reports are suggesting that the flagship for Toyota pretentiousness is sometimes an out-of-control potential death trap. Some of the Prius faithful are reporting wild events of "unintended acceleration."

More first-hand owner rips against the Prius are here.

Of course for some Prius owners, nearly any meaningful acceleration probably seems "wild."

Fans of real American cars are undoubtedly hoping that the "Evil Empire" will receive some of that good, old-fashioned "trial lawyer" love that the Detroit 3 have sometimes suffered from. Products liability suits know no borders and a few, good multi-million Dollar verdicts would be an excellent elixir for squelching some of the mindless veneration of Toyota.

Now that General Motors is nearly dead and in UAW/Government hands, the tort lawyer pirates are going to have to set their sights on a deeper set of pockets. Can they look past their Lexuses to bring the "Evil Empire" to "justice?" Toyota's got the yen, but do the trial lawyers and Detroit-hating investigative journalists have the yen for grabbing it?

Perhaps Toyota should assemble a all-pro driver task force of Darrell "Jaws" Waltrip, Michael Waltrip, Joe Gibbs, Kyle "The DOOD" Busch and a few other of the Evil Empire's tratorous American collaborators to road test these alleged Prius defects . . . .

AN EXCITING RACE DOMINATED BY FORD?

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It was a another race on another spring Sunday afternoon.

Weather was a factor. Aesthetically hideous “spec racers” (hatched from the dull minds of the “usual suspects” down in Daytona Beach) battled for the win. Crashes, spins, and full course yellows punctuated the racing day. The cars from Ganassi and Penske both figured out ways to lose. Pit strategy and track position were paramount.

And a Ford-Powered “spec racer” dominated.

Another NASCAR Sprint Cup race?

Sorry.

The common-template “Toyota Cup” “show” ran before a host of empty seats at Richmond, Virginia, on Saturday night (May 2, 2009). American motorsport’s most unpopular driver – Kyle “the DOOD” Busch – wheeling the stomach-turning, traitorous Joe Gibbs “Toyota Camry” took the top spot in the “Russ Friedman 400.”

Nobody cared.

Busch’s common-template “NASCAR-of-Tomorrow” didn’t feature its normal “M&Ms” livery. Instead, Tokyo Joe’s awful Toyota was slathered in “Combos” (tm) colors. “Combos” (tm) are apparently some sort of gut-bloating, ipecac-in-a-bag snack food that made “The DOOD” repeatedly pine for football season in the SPEED Channel post-race fandango.

According to Wikipedia, “Combos are produced by forming a soft bread-like dough, which is hollowed out into a tube-shaped form. A cutter slices the dough into bite-sized lengths. The snacks are then baked, cooled, and filled with the appropriate filling.”

Yum. Cookie cutter snacks for cookie cutter racing . . . .

The stomach-turning “Combos” body wrap on the horrible Gibbs Japanese traitor-mobile made it look as if it were built of some sort of Cheetos (tm) diamond-plate.

For the record, the Sprint Cup Fords had another dismal short track outing, placing only three hideous, common-template “Fusions” among the top twenty.

Jack Roush’s phalanx of Fusions did snag a little on-camera time through dual spins, hitting the wall, and a “short-term-gain-long-term-loss” pit strategy. Yet at money time, only one “Roush-Kat-Teer” – Jaime McMurray – was in the top ten. No Fords made the top five.

In other words, a typical 2009 short track race for Ford.

Matt Kenseth has now almost faded out of the season top-twelve. The days of his early-season success are a distant memory.

At least Cousin Carl Edwards kept the shiny-side up this week . . . .

The dominant Fords were in New Jersey on Sunday.

New Jersey?

Yep. In the Grand-Am Rolex Sports Car series.

Formula One-ex Ricardo Zonta and Nic Jonsson dominated the Verizon Wireless 250 at New Jersey Motorsports Park in the Krohn Racing Ford Lola Daytona Prototype. Even better, second place was hauled down by Max Angelelli and Brian Frizzelle in the Suntrust Ford Dallara fielded by Wayne Taylor Racing.

To be sure, the stubby Daytona Prototypes are the ugliest race cars this side of an IMCA modified (and were seemingly penned by the same aesthetic geniuses who gave us the BOXCar-of-Tomorrow in NASCAR). However, the show they put on at Millville, New Jersey was first-rate entertainment for Ford Racing fans.

Racing in sometimes a torrential downpour, the Daytona Prototypes shared the track with more production-styled GT cars. The action began before the first turn, when one of the Ford-Powered Daytona Prototypes (the No. 60 Michael Shank Racing Ford Riley, aimed at the time by Mark Patterson) punted a Pontiac Daytona Prototype that just suddenly appeared in the spray.

That set the tone for a wet and wild two hours and forty-five minutes of road racing in New Jersey.

(NASCAR, of course, would have been wasting time in a boring “rain delay.”)

The lame duck Pontiacs, for their part in the race, seemed to be getting an early start on packing it in. Killed as a brand earlier in the week by General Motors, the racing Pontiacs were little more than rolling chicanes for the competitive wet-weather cars. Virtually all of the GT class Ponchos were hampered by foggy windows and other visibility problems (which the SPEED Channel announcers eventually attributed to steam rising off of the headers of the front-engined GXPs).

The rear-engined GT class Porsches did not suffer as much from a lack of defrost. The 911-style Porsches diced in the wet, with the win going to Leh Keen and Dirk Werner in a Farnbacher Loles Porsche.

While the Porsche-Powered Daytona Prototypes engaged in an entertaining intramural battle and the Toyota-Powered “Lexus” Prototypes spiced up the show with spins and mechanical lapses, the Fords used pit strategy and wet-weather handling to move to the front. Once Zonta put the Krohn Ford Lola into the lead, he started to “check out.” It was a brilliant drive which lead to the inaugural win for Zonta in Rolex Sports Car competition and for the Ford Lola combination in Daytona Prototype. A drying track and fuel mileage concerns created some drama as the time ran down (moreso further back in the pack). After the race, Zonta revealed that he did it all the old-fashioned way without any radio assistance

All in all, it was a great afternoon to be a Ford Racing fan in New Jersey.