BREAKING NEWS: “BEER SUMMIT” TRANSCRIPT FOUND
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TOP SECRET TRANSCRIPT OF JULY 30, 2009, MEETING AT THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, DC.
[TAPE BEGINS]

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: This might be the most highly anticipated and highly publicized beer ever had at the White House. It just happened. And we can now show you the picture, at least a few moments that White House press cameras were allowed in.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It appeared that most of the talking by Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley. President Obama chimed in once. But, for the most part, he and the vice president stuck to the snacks and the beer in front of him.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm sure you also noticed that the cameras were kept at a great distance to make sure the conversation remained private.

[Secret audio track beings]

PROFESSOR GATES: What’s up with this? I’m finally invited to the White House and I got to share it with some polyester-wearing Five-Oh cracker that dissed me in my own house? MY OWN HOUSE! And what’s with all this “lite” beer? Sam Adams Light? Bud Light?

THE PRESIDENT: Chill, Bro. It’s just a photo op for the press. [Whispers] I’ve got some Colt 45 (tm) 40s and Blunts back inside . . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: EVERYTIME!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: No, I don’t just say whatever pops into my head “everytime.” Sometimes I just read what’s on the TelePrompter (tm) . . .

Hey is this going to be done in time for me to catch the Amtrak?

PROFESSOR GATES: Man, you better put a leash on your dog . . . And what’s with the little “near beer” he’s nursing?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I’m the “designated driver” so to speak. One of us has got to stay stone-cold sober, in case we’ve got to push the “nuke” button . . . or if Hillary calls . . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: I wasn’t talking to YOU ... you crazy hair-plugged honkie! What’s wrong with you bleached-out fools? Can’t you let the MAN speak for himself?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: The President’s trying not to speak without a TelePrompter (tm) after that unfortunate misstatement that lead to this little get-together.

[The President nods]

PROFESSOR GATES: How about YOU trying not to speak, Snowflake . . .

SERGEANT CROWLEY: Well let’s get this “beer summit” thing over with already. I’ve got to meet with my lawyer to plan my lawsuit and book deal.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Ha, Ha! “Beer Summit.” Uh . . . we try not to call it that. No “summit.” No “summit.”

Summits are for like when just before you bomb Iran, or partition Iraq, or make Israel give back Jerusalem and the West Bank or something important like that.

We’re all just trying to get his hiney [gestures to the President] out of a crack and get those jackals [Nods and smiles to the press corps] focused again on nationalizing our health care system and getting Rush Limbaugh off-the-air.

PROFESSOR GATES: OH REALLY. And you, Mr. White Bread, don’t think that five freaking centuries of oppression of people of color, as institutionalized by an unaccountable, ignorant, head busting pack of racist Bull Connor stormtroopers invading the sanctity of MY home and incarcerating ME for exercising my Constitutionally-protected right to tell them where to get off is IMPORTANT?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Huh? [Smiles, nods toward the press corps, eats a peanut]

SERGEANT CROWLEY: Now don’t get all uppity about it, Doc . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: Just who are you calling “uppity,” Officer Fife? We’re not back in “Mayberry” anymore, so you better just watch yourself.

I don’t care if you did have to bring your fat old Union rep and your lawyer . . . that code of blue silence can’t protect you here! MY MAN’S IN THE HOUSE NOW! It’s whitey’s worst nightmare, isn’t it!

SERGEANT CROWLEY: That’s Sergeant Crowley to you!

Hey look, I just came here to get on T.V., get a couple of apologies, and take in a few of the sights. And I thought we were going to have some doughnuts at this wing-ding . . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: Wait! Apologies? Man, you and your out-of-control thug buddies ought to be the ones that are apologizing. Getting all up in my house and treating me like some plantation sharecropper . . . False arrest . . . imprisonment . . . Yeah, My Man was right on target when he said you acted “Stupidly.” I’m the one that’s entitled to an apology!

SERGEANT CROWLEY: Nah, it was a solid collar.

PROFESSOR GATES: Do you know who I am! . . .

SERGEANT CROWLEY: I think we covered all that . . . right before I slapped the bracelets on you for disorderly conduct . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: I am a tenured full professor at Harvard University! HARVARD! That’s not like that correspondence rent-a-cop school that you probably went to. I’m the Alphonse Fletcher University Professor and Director of the W. E. B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research at HARVARD!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: That’s impressive! And that’s one of the reasons I’ve always supported affirmative action. Myself, I partied my way through the University of Delaware and got my law degree at Syracuse. Man, was that some boring stuff . . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: WHAT! [to the President] This is the best that you could do?

[The President shakes his head]

PROFESSOR GATES: That fat-legged chick in the Easter-egg pantsuits would have beat him!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Hey and I told everybody that . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: [to the Vice President] And you’re just another ignorant "Vanilla Ice" frat boy who thinks that every successful person of color is another “Affirmative Action quota black.”

I’ll have you know, Buster, that I earned . . . EARNED . . . an M.A. and Ph.D. in English literature from Clare College at the University of Cambridge! CAMBRIDGE!

I took a B.A. summa cum laude in History from Yale University!

I was a Scholar of the House!

I’m Phi Beta Kappa!

I’ve taught at Yale, Cornell, and Duke!

I’ve earned a MacArthur Foundation “genius grant!”

I was on Time magazine’s “25 Most Influential Americans” list!

I received a National Humanities Medal!

I’ve been elected to the American Academy of Arts and Letters!

I’ve won the 2008 Ralph Lowell Award from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. That’s the highest honor awarded for accomplishments in public television!

I’ve received FIFTY honorary degrees!

SERGEANT CROWLEY: So? You think you would have learned some manners in all of that falderal . . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: Who are you? The stooge who won some traffic ticket writing contest? Get to apologizing, Boy!

SERGEANT CROWLEY: Who are you calling “Boy?”

THE VICE PRESIDENT: That doesn’t really have quite the same “pop” when he says it.
That reminds me of a time in the Senate when Robert Byrd said . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: We don’t want to hear anything about that dried-up old Klansman . . .

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Former Klansman . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: Oh well now I guess that makes it all right now doesn’t? As long as he’s cutting back on the lynchings, we’ll let that old nescient cracker into the Senate . . . .

THE VICE PRESIDENT: You’re talking about a distinguished United States Senator and my friend . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: Yeah, well that and about buck will get you another one of those “near beers” at Chuck-E-Cheese’s or wherever it is that my homeboy keeps you.

I didn’t come all the way to the White House to be lectured by some plagiarist who’s working on a Ph.D. in stepping on his junk!

And why is it that this place is STILL CALLED THE “WHITE” HOUSE? You people just can’t get all the racism out of this country . . . Where’s all the “Change We Can Believe In?”

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Can’t we all just get along?

PROFESSOR GATES: See, you’re doing again! You’re plagiarizing Rodney King! Yeah, now that was another proud and free man of color that was roughed up by the racist “blue meanies.”

[To Sergeant Crowley] Gee, Serpico, did you take lessons in racial profiling from them? Or did you do your study with Mark Furman?

SERGEANT CROWLEY: How ‘bout I just slap the cuffs back on you right now!

PROFESSOR GATES: Anytime you think you’re white and free enough to do it!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Everybody calm down now! We’re taking care of all of this. The Internal Revenue Service has already started a comprehensive ten-year audit on Sergeant Crowley and . . . .

[The President leers at the Vice President]

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Uh . . . well . . . okay . . . perhaps I misspoke. Let’s just forget about that last part. Anybody want a pretzel?

SERGEANT CROWLEY: That’s just great.

Here I am, a hard-working public servant earning pitiful wages in a college town that packed with the World’s highest concentration of arrogant, self-important snot-nosed jerks . . . and that’s just the drunk-out-of-their-gourd college kids . . . I’m not even up to the egotistical faculty yet . . . And I’m going out there, putting my life on the line every day . . .

And then I respond to a 911 call of a breaking and entering in progress . . . and when I get there I encounter some crazy, wild-eyed old man reeking of Chinese food who seems to think that ordinary police questions like “What is your name?” and “May I see some identification?” are racial profiling and the prelude to the return of the 3/5th compromise and Jim Crow. And then he launches into a ridiculous, uncooperative, hostile tirade. And so when he refuses to cooperate like a normal, sane, mature adult, I have to arrest him before he spins totally out-of-control.

Hey Doctor Thermometer, did you ever think about why we might have wanted you to come out of that house? We didn’t know if the people who broke in might have been holding you hostage. We didn’t know what the situation was. And when we tried to find out, you turn into some sort of raging cartoon Jeremiah Wright or Louis Farakhan on meth!

We’re trying to do a thankless job . . . protecting his property. And what thanks do I get for it? I’m suddenly the poster child for racist cops in America. The President of the whole friggin United States of America tells everybody on national television that I acted “stupidly.”

Then the press fills up my lawn everyday. I’m getting cat calls from people I don’t even know. I have to answer about five thousand stupid questions.

And now I’ve got to come all the way down here and set through this ridiculous “Beer Summit” with all those cameras over there clicking away . . . waiting for apologies . . . and instead I find out that the federal government is going to make some sort of example out of me with an IRS audit? What kind of “teachable moment” is that? Well, guess what! I’ve got nothing to hide! Bring it on!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Now everybody’s got something to hide . . . .

[The President leers again]

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Now calm down. Let’s everybody take a breath.

Hey, you know, I’ll bet I can get you guys some really sweet souvenirs at the White House gift shop. And if you’ve got an old clunker to trade in, I can probably move you up to the head of the line in the Cash for Clunkers program. I can make a couple of calls . . . .

PROFESSOR GATES: You’ve got to be kidding! How about a Civil Rights investigation? How about Congressional hearings!

No? We’re just going to sweep all this under the rug, aren’t we? Another person of color is humiliated and stripped of his dignity in his own home – my OWN HOME – and all that’s going to happen is some minor harassment and inconvenience?

I get slave-whipped for days on “hate radio” and “Faux News” while this redneck hillbilly flatfoot gets a pass?

What good is it to control the government if we can’t get it to address the fundamental racial divide in this country and enact progressive change to defang the imperialist hegemony and the authoritarian law enforcement agencies who have institutionalized racism . . . .

SERGEANT CROWLEY: Oh stuff a sock in it, Gates!

PROFESSOR GATES: You’re just lucky I didn’t bust a cap off up in you, Crowley . . .

THE VICE PRESIDENT: “Bust . . . uh . . . cap” . . . ? What does that mean?

SERGEANT CROWLEY: You threatening me?

Hey wait, I thought you liberals didn’t believe in the right to keep and bear arms?

PROFESSOR GATES: Oh it was just an expression I overheard on some doggerel “gangsta rap” DVD one of my students showed me. I try to spice up my speech with a little popular vernacular every now and then just to stay current.

Now are you going to apologize?

SERGEANT CROWLEY: Yeah, when Sarah Palin’s president . . . How about you?

PROFESSOR GATES: I think not.

SERGEANT CROWLEY: I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Now see, I knew that everything would work out. Hey, you want to see my Michael Jackson moon walk . . . .

[END OF TAPE]
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]